Why are people such dicks?
No but really, why are people such dicks?
Picture the scene, it’s lunchtime at a local Tesco store. There is the usual ruckus round the sandwich fridge as people fight to get the last of the palatable flavours – being left with prawn and cheese in a barbecue sauce will really ruin your afternoon. I usually swerve the pre-pack sandwich counter in Tesco, for obvious reasons. Their sarnies are odious little beasts more trick and illusion than acceptable lunchtime sustenance. I watched the suited warriors clamour for the last remaining “meat” flavoured sandwiches from the relative safety of the fruit and veg shelving where I was sniffing the coriander. I bought some from there last week which actually turned out to be be bloody flat leaf parsley. I must have been in a daze. Bloody did nothing for my curry I can tell you.
Anyhoo, away from the sandwich brouhaha the rest of the afternoon shoppers were conducting their business with the usual anonymity and silence that one expects when one is buying beans and bogroll. That said I had Slayer raging through my headphones so I have no real idea what the noise was like. I secured my goods with ease – mini twisters x 2, various bits n bobs for the making of pancakes, naan bread, flash spray (with bleach) and a big bag of hazelnuts. Nowt exciting.
I approached the checkouts with caution – it’s critical you choose the correct lane or else you could find yourself behind a pensioner exchanging coupons or a kid trying to buy booze with no ID and insisting on speaking to the manager , “cos I is like twenty free init and youse is denying my human rights blood.” This has happened to me so many times. No you have to find the lane with the most sensible person in front of you, hopefully with cash in their hand at that. It’s also smart to choose the lane staffed by someone you know is an experienced staffer. Look for the dead, dull “I don’t give a fuck if you have a clubcard or not” look in their eyes, it’s a give away and a sure sign that they will have you scanned, paid and through in the least time possible.
In the end I made a bad decision and plumped for a checkout staffed by a new guy. I mistook his confused and panicky look for the cold dead eyes of the experienced. The big, “I’M NEW HERE” badge should have been the give away. I blame Slayer for putting me off. But luckily enough he was adept at the ol scan and bag and before long I was up. He was a cheery chap and inquired as to the quality of my day, which was nice, odd but nice. I conversed with him for a bit. I’d say if you get the same guy in a week or two that cheeriness will have been replaced with a wanton desire to slay, kill and maim.
Behind me on the checkout was a young man in a suit, thus very important, ha. He was doing the old two foot shuffle and sigh and was clearly agitated that the processing of my goods was taking too long. I think the more me and the checkout chap chatted the more it seemed to wind him up. Never being one to miss an opportunity to piss the self important off I took to asking the Tesco guy questions about how he was getting on and did he enjoy it and all that. And as we chatted suit man sighed and huffed, it was quite delightful I must say. Just as we were discussing the finer points of the the Tesco empire checkout guy reached out and lifted a couple of products that were not from my shopping but from suit man’s shopping. This lead to him having to push the bell to attract the attention of a supervisor.
And this is when suit man lost his mind and went off on one with, “I’M NEW HERE” guy.
“Well maybe..”, starts yer man with a patronising tone “…you could pay more attention to what you are doing and less time talking.
The guy apologised, the supervisor apologised, I stared daggers. Fucking douche. Our chatette in no way slowed up the process and you know what, it was pleasant and almost life affirming.
“I’ve been waiting here for ten minutes….I have to get back to work you know….I do have a meeting”
Lies, probably true and lies. If he was as important as he seemed to think he was why was he out buying teabags and biscuits? Eh why?
The Tesco guy was blazing red and his confidence appeared shattered. I assume from now on he will dispense with the chat and just scan and bag and scan and bag until it is time to go home.
What the fuck is wrong with people?
I really fucking despair.
18 Comments → “Why are people such dicks?”
How dare the non-suits be human?
That dude needs a head-butt like Katie Jarvis delivered in “Fish Tank.”
he was so up his own ass Medbh you have no idea…the poor dude on the checkout totally shat himself…it wasn’t a cool situation…
See what your cheeriness did? Happy now?
That’s the trouble these days, “we have no time to stand and stare…” as William Henry Davies once said.
“If he was as important as he seemed to think he was why was he out buying teabags and biscuits? Eh why?”
I know the answer to this one. He WAS the tea boy. He had to get tea for the meeting, the meeting of the important people.
People are dicks, generally.
yes the meeting he would be outside of…no, he would be spending his time searching the internet looking for a city break for his boss…mook
oh cousin you are so right…which is unusual…
If they weren’t dicks, what would you write about?
Glass half full, innit?
Personally, I can’t stand it when checkout staff try to converse with me… I have a number of chatlines on speed dial for that
what a tool
Plongeur: fair point….but still…
Richard: charming I’m sure!
Supersimbo: him? me? I’m sure you meant him…
pretty sure i’d have gone off on the suit..past mental pause now i’m just flat out dangerous
sometimes that stick-up-the-ass just rubs the wrong way when a guy is wearing an off the rack suit, sugar…(i LOVE BBB’s answer because it’s probably true – he was the teaboy) i hope the new kid didn’t get docked because of the mr. dickhead! xoxoxox
But you were still in front of him, right? A little “Oh….oh dear….I seem to have forgotten my wallet….it must be here somewhere….is it in my other suit….” etc and so on would have really burst his pompous self-important bubble
What the fuck is wrong with people?
I ask this question every day.
I thought it was just a problem in my wee corner of the world but apparently not.
Now that guy has a serious freakin’ people problem. I hope his meeting if he actually had one resulted in his dismissal. What goes around comes around I say.
Sad deluded self absorbed suit man.
did he forget to use the customer divider on the belt, if so tough
Former grammar school boy turned estate agent. I bet he drives a Mini. Stereotypes? Moi?
I’d have either a)looked him up & down before looking him in the face, told him he’s a dick, turned & walked away before he had chance to respond; or b) asked him outright (and at volume) why he felt the need to belittle other people to make himself feel better.
A is an instant win, but B is a slower burn that’ll stay with him for longer.Possibly lead to some psychological scarring if your words are chosen carefully… but I’m OK with that because you’re right; he’s a dick.