These are the horoscopes for the week ahead for waiters, chums of waiters, bussers and hosts. Chefs are minions of the Dark Lord, (Mr G. Ramsay of Scotland) and as such they don’t follow the regular signs of the zodiac preferring instead to seek advice and guidance from Frank the Weatherman and the voices in their pot addled brains. Managers have no souls and thus no futures so no horoscopes for them either. Remember these aren’t just for amusement purposes, they are for real…

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Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19 It’s all about the cash for you after last weeks St. Valentines stiffing. Never fear with Venus helping you and those tight man-pants you purchased by mistake things are looking brighter (and more revealing). But work harder to hide your natural gloominess and the guests will respond with cash, praise and who knows what else! Your lucky number is 37 and your sparkle colour is mauve. Add a splash to your apron and see what happens, there is that hen party booked for Saturday night!

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20 Feel like all your waiter chums aren’t there for you anymore? Has your phone gone deathly silent? Is the atmosphere in the restaurant more sour than the waiting room of your average divorce lawyer? Take a hint love, it’s you! If you want to win your friends back then stop being a bitch and blaming others for your mistakes and maybe just this once you buy the on-shift candy. Your lucky number isn’t 1 and your sparkle colour is deep red. Get it sorted or I see loneliness and an accident, probably involving a pot of hot soup, in the stars for you!

Aries Mar 21-April 20 With Venus rising and that curious rash clearing up now is the time to go back to work. It’s been weeks since the staff do and most people have forgotten what you did and who you did it with. Keep you head high, laugh at the guests jokes and finish the course of penicillin. But beware chefs offering free steaks, they heard the stories too. Your lucky number is 2, and just 2 at that. There’s no sparkle colour for you this week, you need to tone it down to be honest.

Taurus April 21-May 21 Oh no, no no no. I see bad things for you. Horror and crushing pain and most probably a slow agonising death. Maybe even yours. Now is the time to get your house/bedsit in order. But a three top on Friday night could promise romance and a man named Keith could take you on a long trip. So mixed blessings for you this week. Your lucky number is £19.95 and your sparkle colour is, oh it’s black. Oh well.

Gemini May 22-June 22 A table of exotic gentlemen from the East will spice up your Saturday night so best to hide your racist tendencies if you hope to make any money this weekend. The early part of the week will be dominated by Venus’s move towards Mars so best get your haircut. An incident with a steak and Guinness pie may lead to tears but also some unexpected time off. Your lucky number is 3.14159265 and your sparkle colour is rusty brown.

Cancer June 23-July 23 It’s nearly the end of February so it’s time to wash the uniform again! People will talk otherwise, actually people are talking. Show them you’re a winner not a binner. Disappointment though is just around the corner as the object of your affection seeks and finds love with, your soon to be, ex-best friend. She wasn’t laughing with you, she was laughing at you. Get a puppy, their love is unconditional and they wont throw your mix tape in the bin as they aren’t capable of doing that! So that’s a win, sort of. Your lucky number is 4 and your sparkle colour is black with white patches.

Leo July 24-August 23 The week isn’t looking good for you never mind the weekend! Jupiter is being shafted by a rising Mars and it’s rings are all out of place. You know how that feels after last weekend. You’ll probably spend this weekend bussing tables for 10%. The planets see it as payback for phoning in sick, again, and going out clubbing. All ends well as your diary frees up after an unexpected meeting with the manager on Monday. New employment opportunities? Your lucky number is UB40 and your sparkle colour is green, or lack of.

Virgo Aug 24-Sept 23 Your bills are mounting and life is getting tougher. But your finances may be on the up again having taken a devastating hit since you discovered online bingo thanks to watching mid-afternoon reruns of Emmerdale. Extra shifts will become available (see Leo) and you can snap them up if you are quick. But remember to hide your tips so when the bailiffs knock on your door you still have something left. With Venus rising and Mars bust shafting Jupiter you have every chance of seeing these tough times through and maybe finding love and a hot meal? Your lucky number is 23 and funnily enough 45, 07, 12, and 33. Your sparkle colour is…oh wait you don’t have enough money for a sparkle colour.

Libra Sept 24-Oct 23 Expect lots of flowers and chocolates and weird brown things that may or may not be human from that guy who always sits in your section this weekend. He is a practising Jedi and thus celebrates St Valentines a week later. Don’t be too cruel, the force is not strong with this one and he may cut off more body parts to show you how much he loves you. Tell him you like the Ewoks, it will piss him clean off and may force him to move on to someone else. Your lucky number is, long long ago and your sparkle colour is Stormtrooper white.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22 That queazy feeling in your stomach and swirling senstation in your head is the planets way of telling you that you are too old to be burning the candle at both ends. You can either wait tables or you can party with the kids either way something has got to give and lets be honest the kids think you are a bit creepy. Time to call it a day eh and just go home at the end of the night, pop your slippers on and live a pretend life out on the internet. Start by saying you’ll go to all the vents you get invited to on Facebook. Your lucky number is 43 and your sparkle colour is Facebook blue.

Sagittarius Nov 23- Dec 21 You’re a waiter not an actor and the sooner you accept this the easier life will be, not just for you but your co-workers too. Animals can smell fear and next door’s cats are looking at you like you are about to have a breakdown. Relax! A woman will come into your life soon that will make everything better, if you want it to be. I see a supervisory coloured shirt in the offing but only if you accept that you are a waiter. It’s been eight years since you played the part of sad kid number three in that butter commercial that never aired. Time to move on eh? The sun is setting on one career but Venus is moving you into another. Your lucky number is the same as your next age, 23 and your sparkle colour is management grey.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 Okay so the New Years Resolution to lose weight has bit the dust but that’s still no reason to give up on the rest! You can work in that section if you move the tables a bit and insist that only people smaller than you are seated there. I know it was embarassing when you got stuck between tables and had to get two chefs and a busser to grease your sides to free you but life is all about challenges! Probably best if you don’t wear an apron with a pocket in it any more. Pocket chips aren’t helping with the weight loss either. I see a small Asian man coming into your life some time after the weekend. He doesn’t bring love though he will touch your heart, with paddles most likely. Your lucky number is 14stone and your sparkle colour is emergency red!

horoscopes, horoscopes for waiters, waiterscopes Manuel the Waiter, Well Done Fillet