True Story
Are you a waiter?
Are you tired of all that money?
Excessive amounts of cash tips getting you down?
Want it to stop?
Well help is at hand! With this simple, easy to apply, solution you can cut those pesky irritating tips in half….or more! Don’t delay apply this simple solution now and enjoy a cash free existence from here on in…
True story, I managed to turn a well deserved £10 tip into £1.38 within seconds.
I had been enjoying serving a perky table of two. They were in top form, I was in top form, the chefs were relatively sober so all was going well. We had chatted through the course of the evening about this and that and music and movies and all that sort of bumf. They asked for the bill, which I duly delivered to them on a teeny silver platter. The Mr had his wallet out whilst the Mrs had a wonderful ten pound note in her hand. She was itching to give it to me. We chatted about their plans for the rest of the evening as the card machine whirred and bleeped,
“So, what you guys at for the rest of the night? Got plans?”
“Yeah we are heading to the cinema”, replied the Mr
“Oh yeah? What ya gonna see?”
“Wolfman”, replied the Mrs with a faux nervous look on her face
“Wolfman? Nice, looks great”, I obviously have no idea if it’s good or not but I have learned over the years that punters really don’t love it when you ridicule their choice of movie so it’s just best to play it safe and stick only to non-committal platitudes. Unless it’s yet another from the Adam Sandler conveyor belt of shit. Obviously.
“Have you see it?”, asks the Mr
“No but I heard some reviews….” and then I added the killer line, the line that cost me £8.62 in tippage “…it’s a true story though”, and with that I handed the Mr back his card. He laughed at my cheeky comment but the Mrs, the Mrs didn’t laugh. No she replied with,
“Really? Is it? Is it really a true story?” She was genuinely startled by this news. Oh dear. I looked at the Mr who looked back at me and then shook his head at the Mrs.
I wandered away chuckling to myself feeling like a champion. Moments later whilst clearing a nearby table I could hear them, they weren’t exactly arguing but gone was the friendly and lovely banter from earlier. The last thing I heard was, “Gary, he’s not efing getting it….he can have this…” and I heard the dull thud of coins being slammed on the table. Obviously being a total wimp I stayed out of sight until they had left. I wandered over to their table to find, not the crisp and lovely £10 note of success but rather the brown coins of failure.
So the moral of the story is, if you want to to cut you tip in half or more then just belittle and make your guest, particularly the one paying the tip, feel small and stupid. Works like a treat, true story…
26 Comments → “True Story”
Someone as stupid as that needs the money more than you do.
not true….I need the money more (islands, Morrissey themed cafe chain etc) and to be honest I’m pretty sure I was the stupid one….
You can try and come across as all stupid and that with your Morrissey Island and Gladioli theme parks but we’re not buying it…or leaving big tips.
leave the tips twitter boy or you’ll more than you bargained for next time….mwahahahahaha
Oh poor baby. You… not the idiot woman who is obviously one of the women in the world who give the rest of us a bad name. She should be shot.
What a dumb broad.
Don’t worry, he’s now seen the error of his ways in marrying her and they’ll be divorced by the end of the week. He’ll soon be back in with his new clever girlfriend, the two of them will chuckle at your wit, feeling more in tune with each other than ever and you’ll be rolling in tips!
In her defense i would suggest shooting is a bit severe. And i did sound very convincing…
Conor: oh my! It was me, not her…if you know what i mean. She walked away with the ten spot and ended up with a fistful of brown money…
Not as bad as my night. I had some table Nazis in. No, that table wasn’t good enough, it’s too close to the kitchen (well, you should have booked then, you waste of air). No this one isn’t good enough either “It’s too close to other people”. And when I seated them at a premium table for four they sat, looked at the menu and then left. Which caused the manager to ask me what I’d done to them. The answer? Not what I wanted to. That would have involved a sock full of snooker balls.
grim old chum grim…my night was primarily a lot of ga ga….
but y’all have tuesday off, sugar! and wednesday will be wonderful! i promise you! xoxoxox
It is a funny thing but sometimes it is a bit awkward just to stay silent when people are paying. When they are doing the debit machine especially. That was a silly lady to believe Wolfman was real. To put the tenner back in her pocket cause of that..Geez…
The films folk pay to see says much about them.
Is there even ONE positive review of that film?
I think not.
It’s unkind to take money from the stupid and clueless.
Hee hee.
right…. so wolfman – is it a true story or not?
Try not to see the glass as half empty old chap; it would be hard to buy such knowledge as you have gained here for £8.62 anywhere else!
Actually upon re-reading that sounds distinctly unsympathetic. I didn’t mean for that to happen there, solly…
That’s gas. You got to take the piss out of them and still came out of it £1.38 better off.
I just do it for free generally
Savannah: it’s been aces so far…hmmm not sure about Wednesday all the same….off to see the dearly departed parents…
Steve: oh the awkward credit card silence….drives me nuts so I end up filing it with stupid things like that
Medbh: really? I know feck all about it other than somebody said it looks like the honey monster….heh
Sassy: har har!
Silent Koala: no, no you’re right…I have learnt a lesson that could have been much more expensive down the line…
Stephie: so do I normally but not normally to their faces…
always bloody miss somebody…
Toast, yes, yes it is true…heh…he was originally from Bushmills but they had to set it elsewhere because…well you know….bushmills…
the brown coins of failure
I feel all limp just reading that.
nothing says failure more than brown coins on a tip plate
gary should have slipped you the tip… i used to sneak around behind my father and add tip money because he thought $5 was a grand amount, regardless of the size (or obnoxiousity) of our family group…
Well, pulling that off with a straight face and getting her to believe it was worth the loss, right?
fair point Daisy, he got a laugh out of it too….he owes me for the laugh alone…
minnow: yeah….s’pose so
I think you’re in the only profession in the world in which it is more difficult to take stupid people’s money.