The Greatest Field Ever…
I was on my way back from visiting my dear departed parents grave when I heard a story on the radio about some farmer chap in England who was seeking planning permission for a dairy farm for 8000 cows. “Eight thousand cows!”, I exclaimed to Little Miss Manuel who, to be fair, was more concerned with second guessing the next move of the lunatic in the silver BMW in front . He was weaving in and out like he was the star of a BBC ident. Her concern was that if, in the course of his weaving both in and out, he misjudged the oncoming traffic then we were all likely to end up in the back of the animal feed lorry. And nobody wants to end up dead in the back on an animal feed lorry if you can possibly avoid it.
Little Miss Manuel advised me of my right to shut it until the danger had passed or, and this was her preferred option, he was dead in the ditch.
But the thought of 8000 cows mooching around a massive green field wouldn’t leave me alone. Imagine how magnificent a field of thousands of cows would be – slowly lumbering about chewing their cud and being all nonchalant and cool about life. Cows are ace and I’ll beat anybody who says otherwise with my black leather belt, buckle first. Ignoring the normally sweet Little Miss Manuel’s swearing and threats of violence (seriously it was a mistake to watch Kill Bill again the night before) I drifted off to sleep with thoughts of running through grassy meadows as cows with hats on wink at me whilst eating dandelions and grass. It was lovely.
Obviously I woke up a bit later with drool oozing from my mouth and down the window.
“LOOK AT YOU NOW YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE? WHO’S THE BIG FELLA NOW EH?”
I nearly poo’d myself. The Little Miss takes great care of her car and drool on the window is a definite no-no. I was sure her sweary shouty volley was for me but as I dabbed at the window with my shirt sleeve, my heart racing, I could see she was looking past me through the window to the chump in the BMW. He was too busy handing his details to Mr Policeman on the side of the road to notice the tirade of foul mouthed abuse coming his way. He was safer with the cops to be honest.
Minutes later The Little Miss dropped me off home with a gentle kiss and a sweetness that made a mockery of the Mad Max character from a few minutes earlier. Tired from all that sitting I decided to treat myself to an afternoon nap. I’m that old now you see. Before I did though I checked my emails and what have you and then decided to look a bit more into the story of the 8000 cow dairy.
Really wish I hadn’t as it put me right off my afternoon nap.
Bloody Mr Farmer man doesn’t want a massive field where cows can wander and lumber and chew their cud to their hearts content that I can dream about. Oh no, Mr Farmer man wants something far more scientific and hideous altogether.
A factory farm housing more than 8,000 ‘battery cows’ will be built in the English countryside.
Under the controversial plans, Britain’s largest ever dairy herd will be kept in industrial-scale sheds with little access to pasture or sunshine.
The cows will be milked around the clock to produce 430,000 pints each day – while their slurry will be recycled to generate power for the national grid.
The complex is the first ‘supersize’ cattle factory planned for Britain and follows growing concerns about the spread of ‘zero-grazing’ farming.
Justin Kerswell, of animal rights group Viva, said: ‘This is factory farming – and it blows out of the water the pastoral image the dairy industry likes to portray.’
The £40million farm will be built near Nocton, Lincolnshire, later this year. It will have eight hangars for 8,100 cattle and two 24-hour milking parlours.
The animals, fed on fodder, will spend most of their days inside where they will stand and sleep on sand rather than pasture.
The dirty bastard justifies his battery farm for cows by saying,
“Campaigners think cows should be like in the Anchor butter advert, with 50 to 100 cows dancing in a field,’ he said. ‘It is a lovely idea, but not the reality.”
Oh is not? And why is that then Mr Scientist cum Farmer cum Evil Cow Botherer? Hmm maybe it’s because you are a greedy milk snatcher, like Maggie milk snatcher Thatcher. Grrr… I couldn’t get to sleep for ages after reading that.
Little Miss Manuel came round a while later and I gave off stink to her for ages about the greed of agri-business and how it’s not on and not fair and about how cows should be left alone to act nonchalant and chew dandelions. She then gave me a peck on the cheek and told me I need to calm down and not get so angry about things.
Ha, the cheek, it was all I could do to eat my cheeseburger for tea that evening without kicking off again.
21 Comments → “The Greatest Field Ever…”
Heh, I knew I liked LMM. I go all Mad Max in the car too, the Spouse Sparrow has said that his brother was in the Navy and he didn’t talk like that. I told him that was only because his brother’s mouth was constantly full of seamen.
We have similar commercials here in California “Happy cows come from California,” and it shows a few cows socializing on a beautiful green field while the sun shines mildly upon them. Like fuck, we live here at my folks’ surrounded by dairies, nary a day goes by when we can even open the window due to the stench and god forbid you should have the smallest opening in your screens, the flies will be all over you like white on rice. Mind you, that’s in winter. In summer the stench is so thick you could cut it with a knife and the flies have built up enough strength to push there way through your screens. It’s like Amityville horror, but dairy-fied. And these are just mom-and-pop dairy operations.
Damn, now I’m all hungry for a burger.
I feel for the cows, that’s just disgusting but I can’t help but smile and hope that the tosser in the silver BMW was a certain Mr Bastardface.
I would love to see him in the slurry.
Fat Sparrow: it’s a terrible way to run a farm I must say…chickens is one thing, they have no souls, but cows? Lovely brown cows? It’s not right…
Ellie: Ha! Never forgive and never forget! I like yer style!
I like LMM’s style.
Are you now officially a window licker?
As for the cow sheds, they’ll probably be the nicest buildings built in Lincolnshire for some years.
cheeky get…sheds? these things will be the size of aircraft hangars!
I know, but in Lincolnshire my argument still stands.
oh, no… this could be the worst thing the US has exported since David Hassselhoff! factory farms are ecological disaster, and NOT economical. fight it. fight it hard…
not twitter: i’ll take you at your word then…
daisy: it sounds hideous…!
You’re making it sound as if I have road rage!!
Makes me think of veal.
I know those poor wee veals have to sit about in cages all day for their very short lives but you know what veal tastes like. I’m going to be braised and eaten by cows in my next life, I know.
Here’s a picture of the MASSIVE cow farm just off of I-5, part of the wonderful road-trip between San Francisco and Los Angeles. The stench is unbelievable, as is the sheer scale of the enterprise. Cows…Cows as far as the eye can see…
http://www.flickr.com/photos/ualani/2111859457/
There are feed lots in the U.S. with 10,000 cows minimum standing around in their own filth for their entire lives. Agribusiness is steeped in cruelty.
LMM: I speak the truth….seriously…
Plongeur: mmmmake me think of lovely veal too…no, what, inappropriate double standards…sorry
Pennydist: mootiful…
Medbh: cruelty? no question….hideous fucks and no mistake…all so we can get our milk a penny or two cheaper…grim
Ah, Lincolnshire. Where the nights are long and the land is flat for miles around. This means that livestock has an easy escape route, so the only way a man can get some warm lovin’ is to trap a poor moo-cow in a battery cage and – ahem – pump it 24 hours a day.
Fuckin’ perverts them Lincolnshire-ites.
Those poor, poor cows
I know! outrageous…!
Oooh Alf, didn’t see you there…nobody has the right to question the love of a man for a cow…unless they are from Norfolk….or Tyrone….obviously
Hola Manuel, 8`000 cows roaming the countryside, nibbling on the grass and dandilions is beautiful,BUT, battery cows? Who in their right mind thinks that is a good idea? EVIL, EVIL PEOPLE
Oh Sparky it was a beautiful thought for a wee bit….people are bastards…they really are
Unbelieveably sinister is what I think. Cows should be left to graze outside and chew grass. What greed some people think of. Like to see that guy locked inside his house for a year without going outside and see how he likes it.