What The Fudge are Curly Fries?
Had a chap arrive last evening for dinner. He seemed a nice fellow – rotund like myself but with a dodgy little beard that made me think he was hiding something, something small but deviant all the same. Maybe he was the sort of chap who enjoys a night spent parading about in his mothers undergarments or maybe he takes pleasure in donning a wizards hat and changes his named to Master Jojo and does battle with other like minded, and no doubt lonely/bearded, chaps online. Or maybe he just fancied growing a silly little beard. My mind can wander on the short journey from door to table. I presented the menu and I mean presented in the style of a diplomat handing some leather bound agreement to his President for signing in front of the world’s media. I can be very poncey.
I secured a beverage order and flounced my way back to the bar, high fiving Waiter Chum the Smaller on the way. Sometimes I think we high five too much, it is a restaurant after all and not a basketball court. I promptly returned to the chap’s table a moment later with his pint of cola. He was disappointed to discover we didn’t do strawberry milkshakes, a request that I took at face value and didn’t laugh at all about.
But his disappointment was only about to get worse. He closed his menu after what looked like some good studying of it’s many tasty offerings.
“Are we ready to order then sir?”
“Oh yes please, I’m super hungry!”
‘Super hungry? Deviant’, thought I as I prepared to add pen to paper.
“I’ll have….”, he pondered like a contestant on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?’ deciding whether or not the winner of the 1974 Kentucky Derby was Cannonade or Ronald Reagan. “I’ll have…I’ll have the burger!”, announced the beardy man and quickly followed it up with a side order of curly fries and potato dippers, what ever the hell they are!
Meh.
“Burger? Curly fries? Sir we don’t do burgers and curly fries. Maybe you should read the menu….again”. I added the again so as not to seem too rude. But I was very close to not caring. He did read the menu. He asked questions about this and that and the lamb and then asked if we had pies or, wait for it, nachos. Nachos? The fuck is that all about? This went on for another minute or two until he called it quits, paid for his cola and asked for directions to the nearest KF fucking C. Sake.
His parting words?, “Sorry, it’s just not the sort of place I thought it would be”
Clearly he was looking for a diner. We are not a diner. We in no way resemble a diner. How could he think we are a diner/burger bar? Do diners now come with velvet curtains and overly snooty waiters with a terrible terrible sense of superiority? Hmmm, do they? I think not.
Curly fries?
Pfft…what next?
33 Comments → “What The Fudge are Curly Fries?”
Turkey twizzlers and alphabetti spaghetti?
See, that’s the diet of someone with 20 delivery numbers in his phone, all on speed-dial.
I had a feeling Ellie he was heading that way if I hadn’t pushed him int making a proper decision…
not twitter: not cool…he was a rotund little b’stard and quite probably no stranger to doorstep food delivery…pie muncher
Couldn’t you have dragged it out for a little while?
“Would that be the fresh curly fries or the jumbo curly fries?”
5 minutes later…
“Sorry, we’re out of jumbo curly fries.”
another 5 minutes later…
“Sorry, chef says the fresh curly fries aren’t properly defrosted yet?”
he probably asks for his sauce by colour…red or brown sir?
nothing gets on my nuts quite like people asking for red sauce…
Are they red velvet curtains? Maybe he was so blind, he mistook the red of the curtains for the red of a McDonalds…
the curly fries go with the beard. the fallen scraps can get more tightly tangled, and are readily available for late night snacking.
ChrisD: no! not red…what do you think we are?! They are tastefully golden….oooh crikey, the the golden arches of a McD’s
Daisy: heh….Maybe I should grow one…
red sauce? is that as in tomato sauce? marinara sauce? or ketchup? y’all have the patience of a saint, sugar! xoxox
Clearly all this high fiving business confused him. They serve burgers and curly fries at basketball games, I would imagine.
You should have taken him down a peg or two with your vichyssoise fork and crab ladle.
Velvet curtains? Check you out Mr Fancy Pants.
it’s the idiots cry for ketchup!
conor: yes, yes you are probably quite right…
plongeur: ha!, do you even know about wine? brilliant
rabbity: they are so very strokable….
Curly fries are flat out disgusting.
Now nachos on the other hand are delicious.
Still, I wouldn’t expect to find them in Northern Ireland.
oh we have nachos, just not in your average restaurant….it was all very odd
Have the urge to go into the nearest maccers & ask for the moules
hahahaha!
i’m surprised he didn’t try to order a ice cream cone for desert…
Sounds like the kind of chap who’s most important dining decision is whether it’ll be ‘Ding’ or ‘Ding-dong’ this evening!
I wonder what compelled him to leave the shadowey, screen-lit comforts of his usual dining establishment?
Cat he probably got a McFlurry…heh
Blod: must have been an online challenge or something….bet he was running a commentary through his wee tiny head as he sat there….bet i was a troll or an ogre or something
I’m going to rush right over for a nice order of pigs-in-blankets!!!
Just on the red/brown sauce thing- it gets on my goat too when people ask for red sauce, but c’mon, brown sauce is brown sauce- how many people ever call it HP?! lol
Guy sounds like a right freak though, strange little man…..
Frito pie and funnel cakes?
As a tangent though, I like a certain amount of ponceyness in my waiter. I’ll tip a bit more if it’s a good performance.
what the friar tuck is wrong with curly fries? I thought you’d like them. Being fried and all.
I visit your restaurant for the first time and this is what I get?
I bet your restaurant doesn’t even offer the complimentary bowl of lemon soup with the buffalo wings, does it?
Sigh.
Probably nothing inherently wrong with curly fries themselves, just their absence from the menu. Menus should have a wee ticky box that you have to fill in at the bottom, like software ToS’s, to say “I certify that I have read and understood this menu and agree to it’s conditions, and understand and agree that improper use of it may invalidate my right to not be treated like a knob”.
no children’s menu either? bah!
stephan: i’ll have 2 please…
sooz: we, like the lovely french, call it sauce anglais….heh
Minnow: nice!
Koala: few poncier than I….
Maxi: lemon soup heh…savages the lot of them…
Boxer: kids menu? god no….we don’t even pretend to have one…
Phil Not Grant: you cheeky pielord….
The lovely french?! There’s no such thing- and I can say that on good authority!
He couldn’t have been from Texas. He would have asked for Deep Fried Coke ( http://oraclenude.crisatunity.com/deep-fried-coke ).