Odd Fake Celebrity Couple of the Week
Last week was a funny old week, funny but a comfortable sort of funny. The chefs got back to their regular shouty ways with everything from my hearing to the way I call tables away being called into question. This lead to a tense stand off that is still in place as I type this. Hopefully it will be a week of monosyllabic responses and barely audible threats and grunts from those dressed in whites. Fingers crossed and all that.
The week was notable by the number of celebrities who chose to dine with us. Or rather people who bore an uncanny similarity to actual celebrities. Lunch on Thursday saw me serve plates of pasta and salad to the very odd pairing of a Benny from Crossroads-a-like and an Imelda Marcos-a-like. What would Miss Diane say!? And then on Friday night I had half the cast from that god awful crock of cats piss, 'Glee' loitering with intent on a table of seven.
Obviously it wasn't actually them but rather a Belfast version. They looked like they could be in a glee club or as it's called in Belfast, a youth folk group. [shudder] They were asked to do one after they said they only wanted to order side dishes. I didn't take that well and pointed them in the direction of the door with a short sharp rendition of Black Sabbath's Into the Void finishing with jazz hands and everything. Side orders my ass. As sarcastic as I was I still didn't manage to remove the bloody smug and happy look from their youthful faces. Their indomitable and joyful spirit, I resent it.
But queer fake celebrity pairing of the week had to be the couple who arrived late on Thursday evening and who were smack dab the double of Ozzy Osbourne and wait for it....Enya. Seriously, Enya and Ozzy. How awesome and disappointing is that?
Now to be honest she didn't look particularly like Enya but had an Enya quality about her or what you would imagine Enya to be like - all ethereal and misty and calm. The Ozzy-a-like was the button for him but had the mannerisms more of a country gent than a pioneer of heavy metal/bat head biter. I had to bite my lip to save myself from laughing out loud as he pondered between the Bordeaux and the Roble.
"....but Enya we had a Bordeaux last weekend at Jilly's party. Lets try something different for a change", emplored Ozzy to Enya. Enya didn't care as she was busy eating her flowing hair whilst wondering which food items had the least environmental impact on mother Gia. Or something like that. But it was hard to get her to choose something. Even Ozzy peered at her over his wee round tinted glasses as she run her finger up and down the menu for like the millionth time. Let me tell you the Orinoco was flowing out of me and down the crack of my hairy ass as she hummed and ha'd at the menu.
"For god's sake Enya, will you just choose something? The man chap has things to be doing", snapped the Ozzy-a-like but Enya wouldn't be rushed. Man chap? Heh, I sort of liked being called a man chap. Are there lady chaps? But anyhoo Enya's finger floated about the menu like a drunk in a betting shop trying to pick a winner. I'm pretty sure her finger and her brain were not on the same menu let alone the same page.
In the end she opted for the cassoulet, as I had predicted in my mind some moments earlier. "Bout effing time Enya....right now can we get some bloody wine?", snapped Ozzy. 'That was a bit more like it', I thought as I practically ran back to the bar to inform my waiter chums of my fake celebrity diners.
"What's an Enya?', was the general response from my born in the 80's/90's work colleagues. Sake.
But as the night got later and the second bottle of wine was finished Ozzy and Enya ended up of the same side of the table. His lusty hands were heading south towards her legs but Enya was wearing an ankle length skirt much to his annoyance. What else would someone with an Enya quality be wearing? Again I had to bite on my bottom lip so as not give myself away from behind the golden velvet curtains. Don't judge me. I mean how often do you get to see Ozzy Osbourne feel up Enya?
Not often.
Waiting, it's not for everybody, unless you like to watch people from behind golden velvet curtains too.
hehe what about the other ‘celeb’ who was in on saturday night?
We had Samuel Beckett in for a feed on Friday.
Belfast Barista: I’ll get back about him by the weekend…I have his doodle…it’s what I do, keep guests doodles…
Belfast Plate Carrier: Gloomy was he?
heh, you two should get together and corner the service industry jobs in this town….actually you already have…
hehe that’s my doodle
I loves to doodle on napkins!
christ. i guess this means the chap that served me lunch today is busily blogging about serving the Salmon salad to Bea Arthur’s doppelganger. fuck.
Belfast Barista: damn it I thought I had original Silent Koala….hehehehe…I had to stop LMM from dumping it earlier…!
Daisyfae: bwahahahahaha….that really made me giggle….I hated the golden girls too…
Aww well El K helped. Look on the bright side- you got an original Belfast Barista?
ha, oh it’s even more special now….!
i never see anyone even remotely famous, sugar. well, except for miss paula deen. but, she’s from here, so she doesn’t count. xoxoxo
I met Frank Sidebottom once….that was nice…
Jon Sergeant was in my place once. And there was the time we had Heather Graham and Mia Kushner in.
Last summer (right about when she was molesting that poor child) we had the queen bitch herself, Iris Robinson. The two gay guys in my work made sure she got the worst coffee ever committed to a cup.
God damn right too… I also served Henry going for gold Kelly. That was a personal highlight
tripped over paula abdoul once..obviously i didn’t trip hard enough
Oh shit, they didn’t know Enya?
Bill Murray once (the real one) only I’d booked the night off, Damn! Tipped all the staff $100 – nice celebrity.
cat: bwahahahaha tripping over a celeb, nice
Medbh: I know right? Kids these days….pfft, they didn’t have to live through the tough, enya, times…
Lilwell: ah damn it that would have been aces….Love Bill Murray…
We used to get the Chuckle Brothers in our restaurant every Sunday lunchtime. That was back in the early 90′s. They were always generous with the tips.
oh good holy christ on a bike that would have awesome…I mean it must have taken a half hour just to give them a plate of roast beef…to me, to you, to me….repeat forever….
When I worked in ‘certain-well-known-Belfast-bar’ we had Craig Charles in one night, he was good fun! And boy could he roll a joint…
Michael Moore came in once for a Guinness- he was an asshole.
“They were asked to do one after they said they only wanted to order side dishes.”
Yoof today, huh? Just don’t have the attention span to cope with a main…
Food in twitter-sized portions only.
Sounds exciting where you work. Send someone over to my place to spice it up a bit. We just get the normal joes each day.
Once had Denise van outen in the cab she stole my pen not happy.
I have to say…I was born in ’67 and I have NO IDEA who Enya is!! But, I love Bill Murray too.
Wasn’t Enya yer doll that didn’t so much sing as breathe weird?
Michael Moore looks like an asshole….christ imagine that with the guinness shits….eek
Blod: brilliant…
Steve: seriously we should do a swap…
BTD: she looks the sort….heh
Leo: Best not to go youtubing her….you’ll be upset
Tuesday Kid: that’s the one…
Well I was born in ’83 and have (unfortunately) an encompassing idea of who Enya is. I even remember Clannad… I’m not Irish so forgive me if I’m spelling that wrong. I once served Howard from the Halifax adverts. I restrained from asking for ‘that little bit extra’ when he paid the bill.