Well Chuffed
Well Done Fillet has made the final shortlist in the Humour category at the and I am really chuffed about this. Thanks for the initial nomination and thanks to the judges for seeing fit to put me through. One of these will win, , , or .
So my tales of woe and waiter abuse amuse you? I make you laugh do I? I should shoot you all in the foot.
Pfft!
I had a table of four the other evening, nice enough chaps albeit with cheap suits, bad hair and an overriding smell of desperation. They were constantly trying to out do each other. The first ordered an 8oz steak, the second a 10oz, the third a 10oz but with two sides and by the time I got to the fourth chap he was confused as to how to top the last order. So he ordered the fish proclaiming as he did that, "I had an 18oz steak last night." Jesus wept. They should have just got their 4oz wieners out and been done with it.
Anyhoo, I had enough to be doing what with the restaurant being busy and the management preoccupied with the fire alarm which was rattling away for like the fifth time in the last seven days. I blame the kitchen staff, obviously.
The doooods on table ten were eating and talking and all that and all was well. They kept telling terrible jokes every time I went to the table, which was something I was trying to avoid as much as possible. And these jokes were terrible, not crude but a bit smutty. Now I offered nothing by way of response when they told them, no laughing along, no praise or back slapping, nowt! There were other tables present at this point and I cant be seen to be getting involved in such ugliness.
But, and to my complete disgrace, I did venture my own little bit of whimsy. The chaps had been trying to get me to tell a joke all evening but with other tables within ear shot I considered it inappropriate but those tables were now gone and it was just me and the Little Patrick Batemans. So as I lifted the sweet menus off the table I ventured this little number that I was sure they would get a kick out of, I had seen it on twitter, I think, and it had made me chortle...
"Lads..", says I
"...do you ever get a smell of Uncle Ben's from...you know...your crotch?"
They looked at me with the same gormless expressions they had worn all evening. One of them was giggling like a fat MP in a sex dungeon such was his anticipation of the punchline.
"Ah if you do, don't worry about it. It's probably just pubic rice."
Ha, killer.
Except it didn't. There was awkward shuffling and at least two of them looked bewildered. I could see the email of complaint flashing before my eyes and the boss removing my apron and waiter's friend from me. Arseholes. They had been telling jokes way ruder than that all evening. It was like I had told a joke about having carnal relations with their, as yet unborn, children. Sake. The rest of the meal was conducted in silence.
I consoled myself by assuming they just didn't get it. That's the last time I try and pretend I'm one of the lads.
Well, that’s the thing about tables full of priests, they’re just a bit touchy at the moment.
hahahahahahaha….laughing hard at that one Not Twitter….
My guess was they were angry because they were too dim to get the joke.
And in no danger of getting pubic rice.
ahahahahahaha laughing hard at that one too Medbh….
I laughed at the joke, you should win the award ……….. except I’ve already congradulated 20.
Since I’m not in the running ….. again it is my sworn duty to find out who the fraking final 5 Cylons that do the judging are as I need new crack dealers Ka-Chow!
Ah, Twenty’s hard to beat though….
I think you should resign yourself to the fact that you’re not going to win. Not that you don’t deserve to, you do, just as you have in the past. But then you haven’t won then either, so deserving’s got nothing to do with it.
What I would do however is make up a bitter acceptance speech. I know it’d be quite a stretch for you to be bitter but just project or call in Knudsen as scriptwriter.
Anyway, late in the evening when all have retired to the bar you can hoist yourself to your feet and give your soliloquy after the benefit of a pint of whisky.
It’ll be good for 30 blog posts, one from you included, and you’ll feel better. Guaranteed.
ach winning schwinning…it’s all just good craic….a weekend away!
congrats on shortlisting! since i don’t read the others regularly, naturally, i expect you to win, and will huff and puff about with appropriate outrage should you not win this time…. just tell me who’s ballot box to stuff, if ya know what i mean…
Best of bully Manuel. Both Grant and I hope you win. We are knitting you a little something as a reward! Oh my God I am so excited for you I could squeal.
Not Twitter – from the way things sound it seems like priests are “touchy” all the time.
Shortlisted, whoohoo! Congratulations Manuel now I`ll add my awful joke, What did the biscuit say when it got run over? Oh crumbs
*Grabs coat and leaves but deposits big tip on top of the bill*
Woohoo!!! Heres hoping you finally get to win something and i know ‘take part is what counts” but seriously come on guys!let him win at least once!!
In truth Manuel you have my vote anyway. I know I shouldn’t say that but fuck it I will. I’ve no feckin chance at this rate so I can do what I like
I’m heading down to Galway this evening. If you are around on Friday night we’ll more than likely be drinking in the Salt House from…I want to say a time but I’m sure it will be an all day/night affair. You can’t miss me. I’ll be the one in the middle of the noisy group with the white rabbit badge.
Something happened and I’m not sure what so I’m going to try and remember what I posted:
You definitely have my vote Manuel. I know I shouldn’t say that but fuck it I will. I’ve no chance of winning so I can say what I like.
We’ll be floating around the Salt House for most of Friday day (and night) so if you are around, call in and I’ll buy you a drink! I’ll be in the noisy crowd and I’ll be the one with the shameless white rabbit badge.
Well what do you know. It did work. Merge those comments together and you have the jist of what I was trying to say
a woo hoo….last shift til Galway….Evoking the spirit of the Beastie Boys there…
Pubic rice sounds serious. They should be thanking you for the warning, as it sounds like something one could pick up through self abuse. Hee. Good luck w the award!
That was a good one! This time you are going to win the award. You are a shoo-in.
i’ll be rooting for y’all, sugar! hell, i’ll even get miss daisy and her krewe to light some candles at mass in supplication! i guess i should read the others in fairness, but fuckitall, y’all are the winner in my world! xoxoxox
Don’t even bother reading the others Savannah. We’re rubbish. I’m obsessed with llamas. Tis an odd place, my gaff
I am kidding about the other ones of course. I’ve just realised that sounds quite harsh…
Wow! With all that meat consumed i see a critical mass of methane expulsion that might cause a global warming catastrophe…so much hot air from both ends!
kudos on the shortlisting.
Good luck, Manuel!
See you Saturday.
You’ll win of course… otherwise I’ll wait on your own private table while you sit back and enjoy watching me attempt to bite my tongue while listening to the diners talking pish.
Congrats, you bastard! Of course Twenty’s in it, so don’t give up your day job. Or night job. Although if you gave a blow job, that might sway the judges. Although it didn’t work for Knudsen, now that I think of it.
You know that table thought you had pubic rice, right?
How exciting! Congratulations and best of luck. Hope to see you down there, please say hello if you notice me, I will be crying in the corner having still not recovered from not making the shortlist WAH.
I am, clearly, totally messing, and am looking forward to yet another year of drunken revellry – only this year I’ll be documenting it on twitter, hurrah!
Hope to see you there, say hello please if you see me and Niall
I’ve just realized that although it’s morning here in Canada, it must be moving soon into evening and awards time in Ireland.
Good luck to our fave!
Hello Manuel – congratulations that you made it into the finals. I guess you were there before? Whatever the results, hope you enjoy it.