Sweet Home Alabama? Sounds delightful….eh
I had to work lunch on Wednesday which doesn't help with my maintaining a round the clock presence at the altar of my Mac. I had to go in to serve a table of 35 lawyers. That's right 35 lawyers. Oh how we laughed and joked and had a gay old time. Ha, my arse we did. Lawyers are not fun to serve especially the young cocky male lawyers who would happily stab you, your mother and your dog in the eye just to get ahead actually they would stab themselves in the eye just for a better company car. The smell of Lynx deodorant, aftershave (eau de'alpha I believe) and desperation was making me wretch as they fought to get the seats closest to the bosses. And then I had to try and get an order from them. Everything was a negotiation with attempts to substitute garnishes for side orders and in one case a chicken for a steak. Meh.
But in the end all the little and not so little Patrick Batemans left taking their desperate whiffs and pongs and less than sober ties and novelty cuff links with them.
Apart from that there is little to report from twelve hours of plate shuffling and glass polishing. Apart from, that is, the table from Alabama. [Insert banjo music here] They were eh er fun. Is fun the right word? They were certainly different from your usual American tourist that happens to wander my way. I know they were from Alabama because they told me, before I had even got them seated. As soon as his big but slow moving mouth opened he sounded like an extra from The Dukes of Hazard.
Now, serving them was amusing and pain free enough despite the main chaps insistence on providing a running commentary on everything I did and not just when I was at their table.
"There he goes....he's bringing food to another table...he's setting it down...yup....setting it down, " says he in that quiet and understated way that Americans do. Heh..
Sweet suffering jesus on the cross with all the angels and unicorns this was annoying.
But like I say they were easy enough to serve. At the end he hits me with his American Express card. But obviously we aren't at home to Mr American Express. Which prompted this little gem of a conversation from Boss Hogg.
"It's the American thing ain't it?"
Now I thought he was joking and sort of faked laughed. I do good fake laugh. It's a required skill for waiters.
"American is a dirty word now ain't it?"
"Scuse me sir?" [ding a ding ding ding ding ding ding ding went the imaginary banjo in my head]
"Well let me tell you sir...", continued Boss Hogg as he fiddled in his wallet for another card, ".....well let me tell you sir I did not vote for that god damned.....[long pause].....Barack Obama" I wonder what the word was that he was holding back. Hmmmm.
"No sir indeedie", pipes up Boss Hogg lite in the background as he shook his solemnly.
"That so-called President of ours is dragging America's good name through the mud sir, yes he is"
I looked at him with astonishment. Really? Obama? Through the mud? Eh? Had this trio of the unholy been asleep for the last ten years or something and just missed the good times of the George Walker Bush presidency?
"Eh, America? No we just don't take that card", says I back at the end of the Tea Baggers one minute Anti Obama tirade.
Cracker, as we say here but is also quite apt in this circumstance too. I'm not so sure he was a good old boy and am quite convinced he did mean some harm.
Wednesday's eh, frightfully odd...
Too bad we all know what that pause was about. I’m from the South U.S., and it’s losers like Boss Hogg that perpetuate the “we’re still stuck in 1830″ stigma. Disgusting. Sorry you had to deal with that. We don’t all look alike…
oh I know and most US tourists never even mention politics unless they are asking me what religion I am that is. But I was sure he was about to pop out a very nasty little word…it was on the tip of his tongue, I know it…
Just thank your stars you’re not black.
Met some Mericans in Merica last summer, from all over.
It’s pretty black or white (no pun, okay, well maybe) over there. I blame the sea. The further Mericans live from it the the greater the effect the duelling banjo gene seems to have.
What did they eat?
We’ve been to most states.
But Alabama?
Fuck no.
The only good connotation would be from “True Romance.”
Pigeon…. they didn’t love the pigeon to be honest…heh and then…wait for it…steak…but then again our steak are awesome so I can understand that…and crumble for dessert….that scared them a little too
Medbh: aye…it’s the first time I haven’t enjoyed serving Americans in many many years…
I heard it in my mind’s best Alley-bammey accent before I finished reading the sentence. People are so predictable, you know. Even living in Southern Illinois (at the bottom of a notoriously BLUE state), I hear that kind of hate and disgust at work, and it takes every fiber of my being to keep my little Liberal mouth shut. It’s too bad Tea Baggers can’t deal with the fact that they lost, and we’re trying to clean up a gigantic mess left by GHWB…anyway. Hope they don’t get their asses kicked on the rest of their lovely Socialist European Vacation.
Oh I really really wanted to write it in accent but it’s late and I’m tired and didn’t think I could do it justice…
It was the blatantness of it that got to me…they really do need to get over it, I mean come on people… and now they are uniting behind Palin? Good grief…
I can tell by the context that they wanted you to agree with them. That’s what they do.
I got really lost driving through Alabama once and swore that I’d never EVER go back. I knew I heard banjos. I got the F out of there finally and was actually RELIEVED to end up in Mississippi. What the hell.
bwahahahaha….yeah I don’t imagine Mississippi to be a bastion of liberal thought either…Yeah I did get that feeling but I made a pledge to myself years ago not to do that with guests…If I think they are being racist or anything like that I will politely pull them on it or just walk away…his argument was so bonkers it didn’t merit reply…
You know EXACTLY what he was going to say. So do I. I’m from the South, but Alabama scares the shit outta me. So does Mississippi, but for slightly different reasons. I wish you had told him the truth – how Europeans saw GHWB, and how they now see Obama. I keep up w/ what’s going on in Europe – I SAW their celebrations on tv when he was elected and “W” Dumbass was finally out.
Hell, if he was from Alabama and he was a Republican, it stands to reason he was a fuckin’ shitty tipper, too.
He hadn’t tipped at that point I needed the money heh
actually he tipped pretty good….but i think he was just emptying his pockets as he was flying home the next day…
My friend and I played a game: “Which is worse and why? Cite your reasons. Alabama (which we renamed “Nowhere”) or Mississippi?” We never figured it out, and it’s been 5 years.
It’s best to just leave the hicks to their opinions and walk away, ‘lest you get a 12-gauge assault rifle pointed at your temple.
Seriously.
ahahahahha thankfully most American tourists are good folks and more interested in whiskey, the giants causeway and guinness….good things!
So glad you like most of us.
I really really do…..!
Remember getting into an on-line debate/argument with a W-supporting Merican. He/she tried to finish it off with “yeah but America’s the oldest democracy in the world…”
I pointed them in the direction of the origin of the word democracy as a clue.
“Yeah, I meant biggest democracy in the world…”
I asked them if they’d ever heard Fox News mention a country by the name of India and left them to the mercy of the forum.
bwahahahaha awesome….
alabama has some of the most beautiful golf courses in the south, sugar! ;~D xoxoxox
Why do you hate America?
We are not all like that. On behalf of that part of American citizenry with more than justhalf a brain, I’d like to apologize. It’s also a wee bit ironic that until a couple years ago, Visa sported an ad slogan that included the words “. ..and they don’t take American Express.” Boss Hogg must have forgotten that, along with Bush’s fucking up our country.
Bwahahaha – Marvellous post. Surely they can’t have missed the fact that the rest of the world love Obama and want Obama to think they are amazing and for Obama to take them on picnics no?
Oh please Americans, stop being such arse lickers and apologizing on behalf of other Americans. There are shit bags in every country, for pete’s sake our Mr. Manuel has described Irish arse holes that come into his restaurant on a daily basis. Doesn’t make you think that all Irish folks are turds, does it?
awh Savannah I cant stand golf….soz
Robin Brown: oh my….never said that, quite the contrary actually….not a fan of american express all the same…
shyonelung: bwahahahahha….correct…
White Rabbit: you would have thought that was obvious….I would swap a million sammy wilsons for half an Obama
Mel: heh….I thought of you as I wrote this post…and you’re right some of the turdiest people I know are Irish….
I wasn’t aware that anyone still carried American Express.
I know the word Mr South was going to say and I don`t like them types neither: Politicians
Oh yeah
I’m from Georgia and I don’t even like serving Alabamans. Why do all the trees in Georgia point West? Cause Alabama sucks.
Oooooh, I feel your pain! I live in Atlanta and every once in awhile the Alabamans break through the razor wire and invade our lovely state of Georgia…..the clean-up is never pretty.
Just got to love the never ending rivalry between the states.. Go Dawgs, Roll Tide, War DAMN! Eagle… Georgia is just that little greasy plug that prevents Alabama from being on the East Coast.
Not all Southerners are like Mr. Boss Hogg. Mostly they just want to be left alone. On the other hand I also tire of hearing the northern elitists as they attempt to put down what they percieve as inferiors. Remember, Appalachia goes all the way to Maine. Pennsyltucky has its back woods too.
But, we can’t ALL be Irish, eh?
Psssst! *whispers* Obama is coming to Belfast soon!
Well…so my insider tells me
Even in America some people don’t take American Express. I am frequently even asked if my restaurant does before the guest even attempts to hand me his card. It was probably one of the few times this inbred from Alabama ever left his hometown in Stixville.
Sweet suffering jesus on the cross with all the angels and unicorns this was annoying.
*adds this to “fuckity fuck fuck fuck” under “List of Manuel’s Favourite Phrases”*
What the hell were they doing in Norn Iron? Is the Klan offering package tours now?
for the record, “the South” would like very much to secede from the rest of the U.S. and I’m about ready to let them.
For the record, “the South” does not include my hometown of Memphis, Tennessee (which, at this point is 41% Democrat/pro-Obama/liberal, etc.). Texas doesn’t include itself as part of anything, so the saying goes, “There’s Texas, and there’s everything else.” Let Texas go back to Mexico, where, if I remember correctly, they have the same kind of warfare that the TeaBaggers are waging on “them that’s diff’ernt”.
i know sugar, that was my little attempt at a joke! ;~D xoxoxo
retch. wretch. different.
American Express isn’t accepted in many places in the U.S. I have heard it’s to do with their fees.
Just imagine living here in Alabama, being a single woman, liberal, Agnostic, Hispanic, active in Gay rights, Pro Choice, intelligent and very assertive…. Oh wait that’s why I’m still single…. haha