“Why god? Why me?” A Cousin Story…
I like working where I do. It, in many respects, is my bolt hole, my escape tunnel, my oasis away from the daily downward spiral of backwards evolution that comes with living with The Cousin. For anything up to 12 hours a day I get to talk to or ignore if I want the people I work with who are for the most part not doing their bit to lower the gene pool. Unlike The Cousin. Honestly if I didn't have work to escape to I would have topped him or myself by now. So you can imagine my complete and abject horror at this conversation the other day...
We were sitting, in silence, watching this and that and dunking our biscuits in quiet repose. The day was at it's end there was nothing left to do but dunk, slurp and go to bed. Another day had been survived and I was feeling at ease with myself if not the world in general. But The Cousin kept glancing at me, each time for a little longer than the glance before. By the time he had done it five or six times he was essentially staring at me.
I sighed.
"What? What do want from me?" I thought for a minute he was going to say something about Jeremy Paxman or the election.
"I need money...yeah....I need some extra funds"
Returning to my tea I replied, "Well you're not getting any from me....not that I have any to spare that is"
"Oh no...no no no...I didn't mean that"
"Good, because lets be honest Greece and Ireland combined have a better credit rating than you"
"Oh ha ha"
It went silent again save for the sound of slurping and dunking. Obviously he broke the silence but only after another round of glancing and staring.
"I've done something....", says The Cousin like a naughty school boy who's just cling filmed the toilet as his father locks the door behind him.
My heart was racing, just where was this going. The possibilities were endless. And more importantly how would these possibilities impact me? I was nervous.
"I need a part time job....you know....so I can get more money"
"Don't you have a part time job as well as a full time job?'
"Yeah...yeah but I could do with another"
"Really? I know you've struck up a friendship with the Polish chap Petr but this is taking assimilation a little too far. Three jobs? Ha at this rate you'll be more culpable for rising unemployment than the government."
"Heh...yeah", but it was a nervous sort of laugh.
"So...", asks I mid dunk, "...where are you getting this third job?"
"Ha, eh...er...um...that's the funny thing...it's eh...um...", he was shuffling about on the couch like a man with a vile of anthrax in his pocket that was in danger of cracking open at any moment.
"Where? It's okay don't be embarrassed!"
"No...no I'm not embarrassed...it's eh...where you work"
The next five minutes were sweary to say the least and ended up with me standing over him pointing a half dunked Ginger Nut in his face advising him not to submit his application form.
Cowering behind a cushion he replied with, "Aye...but it's already in"
I stormed upstairs to bed after that.
My oasis is in tatters, well it will be if he gets the job and he will get the job if I don't do something about it. I will have to drip poison, vats of it, into the ears of the management. I will use words like lazy, untidy, inappropriate touching, hip flask, dipso, intravenous drugs user. Yes by the time I'm finished he'll be totally unemployable....or fit only for a job in the kitchen. Heh.
This cannot be allowed to happen. Oh don't get me wrong the blogging would be good but mine, or his, premature death will not.
If you are new to WDF and you don't know who The Cousin is then here are some of his"high"lights.
and here
Have a good weekend...
Oh the blogging glory that could be…
Now don’t get me wrong. I, too, would lose my mind if certain people came to work with me. But, let’s face it. Your misery would be excellent company for me when I’m reading
Good luck!
yes, my pain….everybody else’s gain…
The poor fella goes AWOL so often you won’t ever see him at work. Give him a break, perhaps he is saving for a deposit on a place of his own.
Ellie, he owns his own house!!! he just doesn’t live there….sake
jaysus, he owns his own fucking house? does he rent it out? does his estranged wife live there? wtf? i am outraged on y’alls behalf, sugar! now, y’all know i loves me some family, but again, i say, wtf????
(of course, there is absolutely no need to answer, i’m just babbling/venting/ranting/transferring my own inner hostilities right now, but that’s another thing…)
(i’ll stop now…)
xoxoxoxo
Fantastic news.
Oh Savannah I think he just like being close to me….seriously…
Not Twitter: no, no it’s not…..there’ll be a murder….most horrid or most foul it;s hard to say….but probably most stabby…
Tell him you’re sure he’s bound to have an awful “accident” in the workplace if he ever shows his face.
Not cool.
That would be worse than having an ex hired on.
yes, yes a “falling down the stairs and onto some knives” type of an accident….you know what’s worse than an ex or a cousin? That’s right working with somebody you have sacked from a previous job……oooooooh that’s not cool
I’ll be good, i promise.
Great post Manuel m’dear
I do sometimes miss posts about The Cousin. I know that doesn’t exactly help matters for you much but it’ll be nice to see more of him!
Poor you, it always happens when you find some wee haven that the people who sent you searching for it in the first place decide to follow.
I must apologize, because I laughed. But if the police ever inquire I have the following,
It was Manuel.In the kitchen.With the stabbing fork.
Well actually Officer , all the chefs were in the kitchen, waiter chum No.1 was serving table 5, the boss was in his office doing paperwork, waiter chum No.2 was clearing table 3, Manuel was trying to catch a blue bottle, and I was watching Manuel trying to catch the blue bottle. Unfortunately nobody saw what happened to “The Cousin” so we are unable to help you Officer.
Just wait til The Cousin gets his own blog.
you do get to be his boss….right?
Awhhh look, he promised to be good! You’re way too hard on The Cousin. Shame on you Manuel!
HE OWNS HIS OWN HOUSE?! Bwhahahahaha! I am so glad I wasn’t drinking anything after reading that. After reading so much about the Cousin, I was expecting pretty much anything, anything but that, that is. Oh dear god, I’ll be chuckling about that one all day.
The cousin owns a house? Could you pass his details on to me, I’ve got a really nice bridge in London I’d like to swap him for it.