Ask Manuel – The Black Pepper Ceremony
I didn't do an Ask Manuel post last week, long story....don't ask. Heh. The most common question at the moment is, "How the hell do I get out of here?" or rather, "Ow ze bloddy ell do I gets out of zis god forsaken stooopid leetle place?" Ah the French, lovely people but easily stressed. Good times.
This week's Ask Manuel question was first brought up by and seconded by commenter Lilwell. It all pertains to the vexed issue of pepper grinders. I didn't realise it was a vexed issue but there you go.
I'll let Not Twitter explain,
"Here’s my question. You go into a restaurant, get seated by some mardy waiter who’s obviously on his man-moons or something, maybe United got knocked out of some glorified kick-about, let him tell you the specials, yadda, yadda, eventually culminating in your dinner arriving.
All normal so far, stay with me. Then, up pops Mr fucking Ben, asking me if I want pepper, hovering over the plate, two hands clenched around this… this… pepper grinder.
What’s that about? Leave the fucking pepper on the table!
It’s not diamond encrusted saffron. It’s not dark matter. It’s not fucking kryptonite nor is it the bounty off the first ship medieval ship to call up in port and it hasn’t just spent the last 3 months traversing The Alps on the back of a tamed elephant.
And guess what, I know how a pepper mill works too.
If I wanted some I’d want to put on the amount I wanted not what the waiter thinks I should have and I’d want it on certain bits of my dinner not rained in from on high over the whole shebang.
Why the ludicrous, outdated, black pepper ceremony? Why? Why?"
Oh my we do have our man sized pants in a twist don't we?
Essentially there are two reasons for this, one is all about service and making you feel every bit like the self entitled douche you are a king and the other is because pepper mills are more expensive and about as rare as a flight to...well almost anywhere right now. That is, according to the penurious management they are. So other than Italian restaurants most places only have one or two pepper grinders for the guests. And whilst you say you wont steal it, and I'm sure you wouldn't, some people do. Honestly some punters will steal the very glasses they are drinking out of. That's why we have to lumber around the dining room with something akin to a mark III mortar tube, they are harder to steal. They aren't completely theft proof though as a chum from another restaurant found out.
Being a bit of a hero type he chased the chap down the street who had the oversized grinder stuffed up his jumper. He wasn't fooling anyone and to be honest it looked like he had a three foot boner concealed up his sweater than anything natural. Anyhoo as my chum caught up to the man he was actually quite surprised when the man pulled the poorly concealed grinder from his sweater and turned it on him. And I don't mean in the way god and the good people at Cole & Mason intended. Oh no, all of a sudden the man was taking swipes at chummy's head.
So don't tell me people won't steal the grinders because they do, they covet them so much they are willing to knock your block of for it.
The second and most important reason is because it makes the waiter feel special, and we are special. It's like the whole wine opening malarkey, and lets be honest it is a malarkey - presenting, opening, sniffing, offering the cork, pouring risible amounts in for tasting and then doing the fake waiting with baited breath for the chump to tell you the fifteen quid bottle of anti freeze is, "simply wonderful." It's a malarkey and no mistake. But it's a malarkey I love doing.
We waiters have so very little going on in our lives and we live for the simple pleasures such as sniffing your wine and coating your pasta and chicken and steak or whatever the hell you happend to be eating in freshly ground black pepper. We love to hover over your table with a big brown pepper grinder sprinkling little black crumbs of happiness over yer dinner. Pfft.
Honestly, get over it and just say bloody when before I get RSI. Black pepper ceremony? Sometimes we don't even have black peppercorns in there, sometimes it's just dead flies from the windowsill in the staff toilets. Heh. No but seriously, there are simply never enough of them. I blame the people that nick them and the managers, obviously.
Next!
Brilliant. Everything cleared up regarding pepper.
Now. Sir.
When is it acceptable to return food. Is poor quality a good enough reason, or are returns solely for wrong orders, under/overcooked.
jesus Keith, hit me with an easy one eh…
it’s easier to say when you shouldn’t return food
1. don’t return it if it’s not what you thought it would be but IS what it said on the menu
2. don’t return it if there is a tomato on the plate and you are squeamish about tomatoes but decided not to tell the waiter about your irrational fear of tomatoes when you ordered. Actually happened.
3. don’t return it if you ordered liver and then asked for the vinegar and then poured the vinegar over the liver like you were personally sponsored by Srasons and then have the balls to complain that your liver tasted of…..vinegar. Also actually happened
4. don’t send it back if it is what you ordered but you don’t fancy it because you actually fancy what your dining partner is having instead and then try and blame the waiter for ordering the wrong item….that shit will get you slapped
Be specific when you have to send something back – it’s too dry, it’s over cooked, it’s covered in hair etc etc etc don’t just take the huff and say you don’t like it. The waiter will have to explain your problem to an angry man with an alcohol problem and a knife.
And be specific with what you want them to do – make a new one, make something else, change the sauce, reheat it etc
But be aware that the chefs don;t count on your plate coming back and when you do send something back your are throwing a plate shaped spanner in the works that may take a time to resolve. If your item is to be remade insist that they take your dining partners food back too. You went out to eat together after all…
oh and don’t get all uppity with the waiter – they can be your best friend and your worst enemy….piss the waiter off and you’ll be waiting an eternity for your remake….get on their side and you’ll get free stuff…
*proudly beams* i love the pepper grinder marlarky almost as much as the parmasan grater (and i own purchased not stolen my own pepper grinder)it makes me feel fuss at.
now, what keithbelfast asks, when is it acceptable to return food?
Expensive, my hole. Couple of quid for a grinder. Put small cheap ones on the table , preferably ugly, and no-one will steal them. Everyone’s happy.
Also, I believe the bit about the dead flies. You’re hiding the evidence.
Keith, sending it back because it has too much black pepper on it or pepper on the wrong food is acceptable.
Cat and Keith: send your food back if your not happy by all means, for whatever reason…but for the love of the waiter please give them a GENUINE reason that won’t get him stabbed by the chef…
not twitter: ha! oh and that’ll be thirty quid mate…my advice isn’t free…heh
What a thorough reponse! I was in Charlies today and we asked for Paddy Pizzas (which are gorgeous) but they brought us wraps. obv that was a good time to return, but i was so hungry i just tucked in. always scared of kitchribution (kitchen + retribution? dont think it works..).
I have another good one for you, but I’ll keep it for another time…
ah….wrong item…if they deliver you the wrong food insist on paying the cheaper price…and you are allowed one free dig at whoever got it wrong…heh
its about eating alone. i want to know how to pull it off with style. do you bring a book? play on your phone, or just sit there staring at the wall in front of you, thinking about your own mortality or maybe singing a recent james blunt song in your head.
Manuel, what I’m really asking is – how do you pull the solo-dinner off? (intended)
Awh, poor Keith
I answered this one in WDFv1
Here’s a bit….
We waiters are a judgmental lot and will note the fact that you are dining on your own but that’s not how we will judge you. Dining, like most things, can be so much better when you are on your own. So if you are intending to dine on your own this weekend here’s my advice….
Book in advance. Waiters will use any excuse to put you on a the shit table they normally cant give away if you turn up without a booking. Plus tables for one that reserve in advance scare the bejesus out of waiters, chefs and restaurant managers. A table for one can quite often mean someone doing a review or evaluation of some sort. So bring a notepad with you if you want to get the best service and food you ever had.
Bring a book or something small enough that can fit into your bag or pocket. Seriously it can get very fucking boring very fucking quick listening to the next table overs conversation about the new house extension or Susan’s promotion. I know because I’m listening too.
Put something, your coat, bag, etc on the other chair. This shows the rest of the restaurant and other waiters that you are dining alone and haven’t just been stood up. You don’t want to spend the entire meal getting sad sympathetic smiles from every waiter/customer that walks past. Or maybe you do.
Dress like the uber confident person you are. People are gonna stare at you as you chow down on your bread for one. So damn well give me something to stare at.
Order whatever the hell you want! There is nothing better than dining on your own. (Apart from dining with LMM obviously) But you can eat what you want without having to share or having to deal with disparaging looks when you order the cheesecake having just eaten your own body weight in meat.
Dining on your own is one of life’s true pleasures, just as dining with someone you love is, so treat yourself and do it now. Eat for one and tip for two. [Ahem cough cough] I’m still a waiter with needs you know……
the whole post
http://welldonefillet.com/2008/11/20/table-for-one-is-it-awh-bless/
i have to go on record as saying, i don’t mind the ceremony, but let me taste the food before you ask if i need pepper. *sigh* is that to much to ask? (of course, i’m speaking in the general sense as i know y’all would observe the table and act accordingly…) xoxoxoxo
Couldn’t agree more Savannah….I detest people who don’t even try it first and then insist on adding their own seasoning…idiots…
Had a situation with the pepper just this evening here in ‘Volcanamo Bay’. On ordering the seared tuna salad:
Waiter: would you like some black pepper on that Sir? (brandished something between a totem-pole and a digeredoo..)
Me: woah – careful ther mate! Let me try first. (tries salad) Umm. Best not ay?
Waiter: (somewhat diappointed) no pepper?
Me: No point really. With this amount of dressing it’d just bob…
Waiter: ????
Me: It’s fine…it’s fine…
Waiter: Oh. Ok, Dude! (srsly? Dude? wtf?)
Not so much a pepper ritual as an unfulfilled euphamistic experience I though. Still. The bloke on the next table took a really good, hard grinding so all was well…
I REALLY need to come home soon…
Oh, and when is it ok to ask the waiter to try your food so he can see for himself what you’re on about?
Wise words, wisely spoken old pal..in particular the good ol’ presenting-the-wine gag – nothing I love more than going through the motions to be told by *the Host” – “yes, that’s lovely”.
(a) it’s probably the screw-top house shite from Chile, so it’s NOT lovely
(b) you’re not tasting it to see if it’s “lovely”, you’re tasting it to make sure it’s not oxidised
(c) it’s come from a screw-top bottle, if you had a Scooby you’d say “pour away” for that reason alone
and finally…
(d) if “the Host” has the afore-mentioned Scooby about wine he/she should only need to sniff once to ascertain whether or not it’s drinkable, which, after all, is the only reason we present it ( I’ve yet to come across the punter that actually checks the vintage on the list against the year on the bottle0. Pretentious twats beware, we’ve forgotten more about wine than you’ll ever know, and we can spot a spoofer from a thousand paces…
Is that a pepper mill in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
One waiter we had in Rome left a heaping bowl of parmesean on our table.
Goldmine!
I felt like Tony Montana with a bowl of coke.
“it’s covered in hair”
I was waiting for the “This has actually happened” bit.
Blod, from time to time you do get people trying to stuff spurious forkfuls of stuff into yer mouth…I immediately become veggie/allergic/Jewish etc etc etc
NedsAtomicManager: and they are all spoofers….seriously…all of them
MJ: har har har
Medbh: hehehehe…god I hope you didn’t snort it…..eeeewww
Fat Sparrow: ha, no….oh actually…no
Manuel, is it okay to get well and truly shit faced whilst out for dinner ?
For you it is expected….everybody else, no….heh
I didn’t realise the BPC was a daily highlight, is it Kosher to smuggle in a tiny mill of one’s own to avoid Waiter RSI?
“The waiter will have to explain your problem to an angry man with an alcohol problem and a knife.”
Oh god how true… and that’s the really nice chef, the rest of the kitchen staff are full on Fear & Loathing material… oh no I’m getting flash backs.
And here I thought it was a sadistic game to see if you could make us sneeze.
At nice places they usually arent concerned with customers stealing stuff so maybe you should leave the pancake hoose.
In ancient times pepper was also prized which is where we get the word salary from and worth his wieght in pepper. Next you’ll say you don’t even leave the bottle of ketchup out in case someone steals it.
Lilwell: oh yes do that….save my wrists! Sadistic shites the lot of them…
Sassy: no….we do that with the “chocolate” powder on your sweet…heh
Old K: ketchup….arf…and anyhoo people get really upset when they realise it’s Daddies and not Heinz sauce….
Ok I have another question for you, at a recent jaunt out to a rather well known Belfast home of the posh dining I ordered something I wasnt that keen on.
Now it arrived and I tried it and pushed it around, ate my salad, gave a bit of it to himself who didnt much like it either, but put it this way there was a fair amount languishing on my plate. Now I didnt send it back because there wasn’t anything wrong with it bar the fact it was a bit fatty and I wasn’t keen on it but the waiter in this particular venue was rather frightening. He sort of appears from no where and looked very annoyed at the whole thing and that i was there taking up his time (here was it you
.
So when he arrived and looked as if I’d personally gone round to his home with an incontinent pensioner and deficated in every room well i wanted to disappear. Shrill tones of ‘was there anything wrong with it?’ and of course I lept straight away on the charm offensive. ‘oh no it was lovely honestly, just too much mmm too much just beautiful mmm’ now between you and me their portion sizes are tiny so clearly it wasn’t that. Anyway he took it with an eyebrow raise and left.
So my question, how do you deal with this, can you say oh i just didnt like it? I mean I didn’t send it back, I paid for it, I tipped! We were lovely no bother at all and yet he was pretty fierce. Would anything have defrosted him?
Thoughts?