Ask Manuel – Substitutions…
Good question today. Not saying the previous queries weren't good but this is a good question. The vexed issue of substituting. Rafa Benitez should read this. Heh, idiot.
From reader Plongeur:
I have one for you…how do I wangle substitutions without receiving both the wrath of the kitchen and the waiter? I’m not a picky eater but I have a troubling aversion to olives, I just can’t handle them, I don’t know why. I love olive oil, though, so it’s not like I can just pretend to be allergic to it either…
I know how substitution requests are received by chefs, but frankly I’m not expecting to ever be able to negate that, as a chef’s primary energy source is rage (their backup being offcuts of focaccia and huge jugs of water) but every time I say “but can I have it without olives please?” I see my new waiter friend’s eyes fill with frustration, judgement and sometimes disappointment. I get enough abuse at dinner parties thrown by middle class people for my affliction, I really don’t want to have to experience that with every waiter I ever cross paths with too, as I feel we have an unspoken bond, which is frayed to it’s very limits each time I imagine thoughts like “what’s wrong with olives, you picky bastard” bouncing around the lovely shiny heads of the serving folk I encounter in the wild.
n.b. I have tried to like olives, I really have, every so often I buy a jar and try and sit and eat them until I enjoy them or at least tolerate them, but even one makes me want to upchuck.
Substitutions are indeed the bane of the waiters life and not just because it messes our nice little order pads up with annoying addendums and asterisks but because they are the part of the order that we invariably forget to share with the kitchen. Every fecking time. Well not every time but quite often.
I had a woman quite recently who didn't like beetroot, said it made her throw, she couldn't stand the stuff. "From the garden of the devil himself", says she to me. Which, if you ask me ,is a fairly sensible and correct attitude towards beetroot. It is ghastly stuff. But she wanted the lamb which came with beetroot. To be honest it was more of a case of beetroot with lamb with this particular purple plate. I explained this to her, in detail. I painted a picture so beetrooty that I nearly threw as I spoke. This should not be taken as a comment on this particular dish but rather on the evil that is beetroot. I explained that the lamb and the beetroot were in effect one on this dish, I told her that just like a catholic marriage in the fifties this union could not be broken.
So anyhoo she insisted I serve her the lamb minus the beetroot and substitute it with vegetables and wait for it....pepper sauce. Grrr! Actually she insisted that I swap the beetroot for garlic potatoes but that was a non-starter right from the off. On the official comparison substitution scale beetroot is not swappable with a potato side, it's more a salad, vegetable maybe small bread sort of a swap. So the food was made and the food was served and the food was pushed round the plate for a bit and was eventually cleared away by me. She wasn't best pleased and agreed I was right to warn her off.
The point of this tragic beetroot based story is that you are not the chef and that pepper sauce is a nonsense and should only ever be eaten with steak and even then only if the steak isn't good. And more importantly when the waiter makes a squinty face you should take note. My advice is that if something has an ingredient that you don't care for, and who could care for a beetroot, then ask the waiter it's significance within the meal? Is it an ancillary item just there to justify the hefty price tag or is it essential to the balance and flavour of the meal itself. If it's the latter then you either have to suck it up or just order something else.
And keep your substitutions realistic eh. Potatoes are interchangeable with other potato items, mash for chips, chips for garlic sautes etc. Potatoes are NOT interchangeable with salad or vegetables etc unless of course you want salad not chips. Which, quite frankly, would be weird. If you are ordering off some sort of cheap eats menu then asking for anything to be substituted is just offensive and will lead to unsightliness and tears. So don't do it.
But here's a little secret. If you really, really don't like the olives or beetroot or whatever it happens to be then lie, lie your little ass off. Tell them you are alergic! Restaurants, and more specifically restaurant managers, get a terrible case of the shits if there is even a chance somebody might get sick and sue or demand that their human rights are adhered to because they are allergic to fennel or tapioca or whatever. It really works and it is guaranteed to get you the freshest meal possible as the chef will have to start from scratch in a lot of cases. Don't worry about minor details like telling them you are allergic to olives but not olive oil, just make up a dramatic sounding olive skin allergy and you'll be fine. Olivetitus or something. It's your lie you figure it out.
Hope that answers that for you Plongeur.
Next!
Beetroot are like cockles, best eaten straight from the pickle jar. Don’t try to mix them with anything else, it doesn’t work. In the food world they, and others, are the culinary equivalent of prime numbers.
Following your advice I’m going to develop an allergy to pretentious terms like jus.
Beetroot should be neither eaten or cooked…it should be destroyed in the field…
Any man who eats a biscuity snack covered in dessicated coconut has no authority to comment on such matters.
well I’ve never heard such a thing….in an imaginary game of food based Top Trumps we all know that coconut fingers beats the ass off beetroot any day of the week…
lie? to a waiter? oh, no…. after studying your gospel, i’m not sure i can. as it is, i’ve started averting my eyes when the waiter approaches the table…
try staring them down…we fold easy…seriously…
Putting the old Caribbean sawdust in a biscuit is like adding cauliflower to a dressed salad. Heresy.
Your views on beetroot have been tainted by the unnecessary tinkering of chefs. As god Ramsey would say “Jar of whole, pickled beets, DONE!”
I’d rather vote TUV than eat your beetroot…seriously….grim shit….beetroot is nasty too…heh
“Eat your beetroot” sounds like a euphemism Knudsen would use. Best leave it there…
yes…i regret it already..
Absoluely agree with not twitter most of the time but honestly can’t now. I’ve give beetroot the three try rule and by god it’s foul
Have had the misfortune to have a fussy friend who asked for in the’tampa rent’ the tomato and chorizo pasta dish sans pasta and with broccoli instead…Scundered. I laughed my pretend balls off (under the table of course) cause she paid 12.50 stg for a plate of tom sauce& 2 stalks of broccoli.
ha!, “scundered”…great word…
Absofuckinglutly
another excellent word – however spelling is not my strong suit so could be a vowel or two short
ha, spelling eh….completely overeated…hehe
I feel like I’m missing out on something as I have never ever had a coconut finger!
But I like beetroot, and it seems to me that if you like one, you will be utterly opposed to the other……
Ah good old peppered sauce goes with everything!! Even seen folk eat it with scampi so so wrong!
Beetroot i like, good liver cleansing too.
coconut is the devil’s toenail clippings.
Loooooooove beetroot.
Roast those bulbs with olive oil and yummy.
Great advice Manuel m’dear. I always tell the waiter I’m allergic to cheese so they remember I don’t want it. I normally boke if I have it anyway so the lies do everyone a favour
Beetroot is great on cheese sandwiches. Has to be ‘Sweet Pickled’. Straight from the jar works too.
there is too much beetroot love for my liking….I must poll the people…I must know….
Oh my, I feel all famous now!
That’s rather excellent advice – I did consider lying, but there’s a story in the back of my head (I’m assuming one of yours) about a woman who insisted she was lactose intolerant and milk would kill her or make her intestines fall out or something, but then inhaled half a cheesecake for dessert.
I don’t think I’ve ever lied to a waiter, but I suppose it’s for the best in this case…I’ll just add another 10% on my tip as a dishonesty fee…
that’ll be £45 thanks….send cash…no cheques….heh
Plonguer, you could always say the wife has put you on an olive free diet. I`m sure you`ll get a nod of understanding from the waiter.
And ketchup goes great with lobster
In Australia, beetroot is god! It is especially good on hamburgers (cooked and sliced of course). My current favourite is beetroot relish which I can buy at my local deli. I use it on sandwiches instead of mustard pickles! Delicious!