Bring on the Dancing Waiters…
Saturday night and all was well. I say well but you know what I mean. I had a table of mid nineties indie rock stars to deal with, now that you ask. Lovely chaps. The lead singer didn't join them as he apparently doesn't get on with the rest of them. I was sort of glad to be honest because I saw him in the queue at the door and he looked like he had issues that I didn't want to have to deal with. Plus celebrities, no matter how minor, tend to make for difficult guests with impossible demands and sulking. I mean just where do you get Unicorn steaks on a Saturday night? No, I didn't need that. But the other Bunnychaps were pleasant and polite and in no way rock starish. Which is nice, I suppose.
Meanwhile, Waiter Chum the Younger was having a terrible time with her table of 13 in the private room. They were a stag party. Confusing name, Stag Party, for a bunch of pissed up men acting like wee boys. I mean I have never seen a group of stags get a chum stag blind drunk, strip him naked and then take lurid photos of his wee willy winkie. I admit my knowledge of stags and deers in general isn't what you might describe as prolific but still I can say this with confidence, stags don't get bladdered on a Saturday night and make toilet against kebab shop doors.
They were only an hour late, actually judging by their shirts and constant cries of, "Eeets nice" and "Jagshemash!" in the style of Borat they were about four years late but whatever. Being country boys with necks like elephants legs and half tanned arms, probably from hanging them out the tractor window (do tractors have windows?), they wanted to negotiate everything.
"Aye aye we'll have ten bottles of beer", says Chump the Loud to my young colleague but before she could get his beers he chimes in with, "Now now see's as we is gettin' ten beers will ye's be throwing the other three in fer free?"
This was the pattern for the rest of the evening. If we order steak do we get the onion rings for free? Sorry fer free. If we order spuds do we get the carrots fer free? And telling them 'no' just egged them on. And all of a sudden you were deep in negotiations. All very frustrating I must say. But food, meat lots of it all well done obviously, calmed them down for a bit. Just a bit though and after they had eaten their charred offerings and second helpings of cheesecake and apple crumble, I have never seen so few people eat so many desserts in one sitting, they all got rather fidgety and excited. It was like they were excited about getting the bill or something.
It wasn't the bill.
They had something else on their minds all together.
"Here cutty...", says Chump the Loud trying to whisper (cutty being a countrified colloquialism for girl) "...there's a stripper coming for thon fella over there. He's getting married like. Will ye give a wee nod when she gets here like.'
Waiter Chum the Younger wasn't having any of this and convened a meeting of waiters and interested parties. We all agreed that this wasn't happening and that the manager should go a tell them so. He also agreed, well on the first part less so on the bit were he had to go tell them. So Waiter Chum the Younger did it. They weren't amused. But really? A stripper? In a restaurant? Is this 1970's London? Is this an episode of Minder? I don't fucking think so chummy.
Sake.
They left shortly after that. I wouldn't have wanted to clean their cages out after that Saturday night.
As it was the karma gods struck back at the Glorious leader for his lack of management prowess earlier when they sent two citizens of the night to try and break into the back of the building and steal his precious beer. In the scuffle that broke out he managed to get bitten. That's right bitten. Good times! Obviously we were all very concerned for his well being. Well I say all but one chap immediately went in to overdrive worrying about zombies and what have you and even promised to smash the bosses head in should he turn into a zombie. That's love right there folks...
Saturday nights eh....brilliant.
“I wouldn’t have wanted to clean their cages out after that Saturday night”
best line. I will be using this.
an oldie but a goldie….I assume their mothers are used to it somehow…
I would have picked Ian McCulloch over the bachelor party, but that’s just me.
I dunno Sparrow…he did look mighty douchey….seriously…
I can’t imagine anything worse than a stag party, well, apart from Labour still being in power.
Next Saturday when I’m slouched in front of the TV, I will be thankful for small mercies.
ha! And the thing is that like stag parties I expect another labour government along soon….probably by the weekend….
keep the red flag flying high!
ellie, eh?
stripping bunnymen with farmer tans? oh, for fuckssake, i really shouldn’t drink ‘n blog….
no….carry on….hahahahaha!
Labour always end up bankrupting the country. This time they’ve excelled themselves. Fuck ‘em.
Conservatives/Lib Dem would be a good hybrid, much better than one or the other.
Milliband, Balls, Mandelsohn. Can you imagine? Which one of those would you wish on yourself? Even worse than One Eye.
I wanna be lead by Mandy….the dark lord cometh….
I imagine that’s the sort of line his escorts say.
Are you changing sides?
I have no side….except keep the fucking tories out side…
So if your glorious leader was bitten by a citizen of the night, will he take to sweeping through the city at night erring-do. Like an anti spiderman.
Always think the wales RU team look like zombies, having brains written on their jerseys…..or sponsored by zombies.
was the stripper thrown in ‘fer free’? cripes enough to put one off food, stripper in a restaurant..ew
AnFearBui, yeah thats right they do…how frightfully odd. He hasn’t turned zombie on us but to be honest it’s hard to tell..
whoops, sorry cat didn’t see you there. i did wonder if they negotiated for her services… i bet they tried the bastards
‘Mid-Nineties band’. What a disservice, that takes in Nothing Ever Lasts Forever and very little else. Unless you’re talking about Ian’s age, or Will’s waistline.
Will’s waistline was indeed awesome….listen it’s all a blur to me….i had discovered beer amongst other things….good times
Were you relieved, or upset, when the manager said you couldn’t strip for them?
Aaahh, the primadonna “POPSTAR” who never look at the menu, EVER!
*click click*
Prima Donna Popstar:”I want the Irish Elk steak with Houting fish on the side, and a plate of Dodo legs sprinkled with the dust of Aurochs horn”
Manuel:”But, they`re all extinct, ma`am”
PMP:”I.WANT.THEM.NOW.LITTLE.MAN.SERVANT, manager, slap him HARD”
*SLAP*
PMP:”Now get me what I ordered”
Manuel:”Yes, ma`am”
*Manuel runs out the back door mumbling about the state of humanity*
Now what you may not know is that after this exchange Manuel spent the rest of his life creating a time machine, which he used in order to gather the food required. He then delivered the food to the chefs and then vanished. The chefs were alarmed at this and cooked the meal right there and then. As the current Manuel was running out the back door a chef shouted at him…
Chef:”orders up Manny”
Manuel:”What did you call me?
*Manuel delivers the meal, and some time later*
PMP:”That was sort of, like, OK, here`s a mento from my purse because I don`t pay for meals out”
Manuel:”Thank you ma`am”
She leaves, Manuel sighs in relief and all is right with the world again
For those that are wondering…
I’ve always loved Echo and the Bunnymen since the *ahem* 80s.
There I go showing my age again.
I thought waiter chum the younger was Team Management now?
Tractors do have windows. Kind of.
Medbh: you’re getting waiter chums mixed up….tha was waiter chum number one….it’s all very complicated…hehehe
Dawnie, thanks….redneck…