Ask Manuel!
I've got a question. What the fuck is wrong with people? Eh, but seriously, what is wrong with the world? I arrived at work on Monday to find a chap on the other side of the street sparked out. He was just lying there on the ground for all I and the people walking round him knew he was tatty bread. That is to say he could have been dead for those of you not from Belfast. Obviously I did what most right thinking people would do and stared for a bit at the great hulk of a man lying on the pavement and then turned my back and went into work. But god damn it I knew that wasn't a very satisfactory way to leave things. Damn my weak conscience. So I found Dawson Wam and pointed him in the direction of the sparked out man. Not that he was delighted to hear this.
"Awh for fuck sake. Why did you have to show me that you fat fuck? Now I have to do something!" He's a charmer and no mistake. But off he went to do the right thing and before long, Dawson Wam and a gaggle of interested Postmen were joined at the poke at the fat man lying on the ground party by two paramedics. I turned away from the window and carried on with the set up, my conscience cleared. As it was it turns out yer man was three sheets to the wind after a veritable bevy of cheap hooch and afternoon sun. Well, we've all been there. And he was none too impressed to have his afternoon nap disturbed by postmen, Dawson Wam and the paramedic who asked him his name. "WHO D'FUCK WANTS TIL KNOW?" being his only answer to any question.
But seriously though. What the fuck is wrong with people that they were happy to walk past him? He could have had a heart attack? Who knew he was as pished as your average teenager on a Friday night? The bit that pissed me off the most, other than his ungrateful attitude, was the group of people who wanted to get their photograph taken but had to move slightly because of the, you know, dead looking man that was just ruining the perfect Kodak moment.
People are shit, fact.
Anyhoo, this week's questions come from lots of different confused people who aren't shit..
Belfast Taxi Driver asked, "When if ever is it ok to ask for a doggy bay? Or will the restaurant staff think you are a starvo/tight bastard?"
Good question mate. I say mate because all taxi drivers can be referred to as mate, pal or big fella. Now I have no problem with parcelling your uneaten food to take home but some less enlightened folk may sneer and call you names but not me. I hate waste which is why I quite often finish punters uneaten food myself. Heh. You are quite within your rights to take home anything you don't finish but some restaurants are funny about it fearing you may sue the b'jesus out of them if you were to reheat the food in an incorrect fashion, get sick and seek revenge. They'll even tell you it's illegal, it's not. But then again some restaurateurs and chefs are dingbats. What can you do?
Grant not Phil was confused about when he shouldn't tip, "Should you tip friends who serve you?"
Hell yes if you want to maintain that friendship. It's up to your chum to refuse it. And if you call me Buddha-like again I'll slap the bald off yer head.
asks a good question, "What is the best way to make a good first impression on the waiter?"
Reserve in advance, arrive on time and keep your wandering hands, eyes and anything else to yourself. Everything after that should go just peachy.
And final question this week goes to ,
As I know nothing about wine, I usually just ask for a glass of red. When I don’t specify the grape/region/whatever, what do waiters usually bring you? The cheap crap? Or the wine with the highest mark up?
Where are you dining dear? A good waiter should follow up your selection by colour with some other questions - dry, sweet, medium or full bodied etc. But if he's a lazy git he will bring you the house plonk. To bring you the dearest glass is very poor form and really not worth the waiter's time. The waiter will not give a tuppences toss about the restaurant's bottom line and he knows that by bringing you the dearest there is every chance you may kick off when given the bill. So in almost every case they will give you the lovely house plonk.
Good questions. Next!
It’s May, why shouldn’t Santa be able to have a few drinks? Can’t believe you didn’t let him have a wee sleep.
He was he size of Santa to be fair…have you seen the xmas adverts up round town? been up for a month…the bloody Ramada…sickening bastards…
I think I saw one last week.
You started booking yet?
we have a right few hundred booked so far…never fails to amuse and shock me every Easter…I wrote up the xmas booking sheets yesterday….so utterly depressing….It will now be the focus of my attention for the next 6 months…on my mind every day….seriously…
aaaaaaarrrgggh!
I have a question- isn’t this YOU on the “Quizzes: Test Your Food IQ” box near the upper middle of this page (hopefully it’s still here when you click on it). Just making sure your photos aren’t getting ripped off. If it isn’t you, I think I just found your Doppelganger….
Heh…that’s sort of me alright…stock images init…happens all the time…
ok, i get it, sugar! it’s not all questions will be answered, just the interesting ones. by the by, i have called the cops many a time about fellows passed out. i can’t understand how anyone can just walk past…
xoxoxo
All questions will be answered eventually…it’s a very sad indictment of life…
lousy about the fat guy in the street. perhaps it could have been worse, though. here in the US? i suspect there would have been people taking pics and video with camera phones to send to friends…
True that…sad but true..
Your answer is unfortunately wrong, Manuel. The correct answer is that you never tip friends. A friend that tips you, disregards you. The Guardian and Observer have been informed of your folly.
arse….and my word is final…
“I say mate because all taxi drivers can be referred to as mate, pal or big fella”
Dont know about that MrsTaxiDriver often get annoyed when people call her mate, pal and especially Big fella! No please her sometimes.
Fair point….I’ll call her love? pet? dear? none of the above? heh…
Hehe…Buddha like. Maybe he was referring to your infinite wisdom. As opposed to infinite girth?
how’s about my infinite ability to whinge and shout and make a mess of myself….would you like to see that? hmmm? cause I’ll do that….tomorrow….all day…
A waiter was rude to me recently because I chose to not have a starter or any side dishes. Is this normal?
Send more details…this needs investigated…
Dear Ass Manual
On the subject of tipping, something I know you hold close to your heart. I don’t really “do” birthday or Christmas presents for chums, so I like to take my pals out occasionally during the year and buy them dinner at a nice restaurant.
My question is: Seeing as how I’ve stumped up the best part of a week’s wages to feed the hungry scrotes, is it unreasonable of me to expect them to leave the tip? Also, should the tip be left as cold, hard, foldable cash which can easily be quietly pocketed by the waiter, or should it just be added to the bill and put on the credit card? I notice that some restaurants have the option to type in a tip amount on the PIN machine (sometimes, due to this confusion and non-conformity, the lucky waiter has gone away with a substantial PIN-sized tip) and some don’t. I hear that tips added to the bill get shared around the restaurant staff and that’s the last thing I want.
Good service deserves payment. Standing way over yonder, pointing and giggling whilst polishing the silver (this is a waitering euphemism for a wank, right?) does not allow you to dip your sticky fingers into my bank account.
And then there’s my difficulty in judging a quality waiter. Sometimes I feel I have been under waited on, where the order is taken and delivered promptly, but then I am ignored for the rest of the sitting. However I do like to be left to enjoy my dinner in peace. But an over-attentive waiter will start to chip away at my end-of-meal generosity. There is nothing I like less than having to do the “mouth full of food mumbling of ‘yes everything’s lovely thank you’ followed by a big grin which shows my teeth covered in spring greens” thing over and over again. Yes, this potato is as good as the other one I was eating two minutes ago. Yes, this glass of warm tap water with a slice of lemon in is quite delightful, thank you.
I don’t know. I think I’m ranting. Perhaps I’ll go off and have a wee drinkie and lay down in the street like Monday.
Alf, finally a question I can publish on a family based blog….answers next week…! good times…!
“What is the best way to make a good first impression on the waiter?”
Reserve in advance, arrive on time and keep your wandering hands, eyes and anything else to yourself. Everything after that should go just peachy.
I was on board with you right up to the part where you suggested keeping my wandering hands to myself.
hahahahaha….I wouldn’t have expected anything else from you my dear…!