Priorities…
Life eh, it's all about priorities isn't it? It's important to sort the petty from the paramount, the slight from the significant, the skinny fries from the wedges. With that in mind we, the lodger in my gut and I, cycled off for our ridiculously early appointment with the Doctor. I had to get up at half past eight for my twenty past nine IN THE MORNING date with the man with a lady's name. Meh. Why must the world mock me so?
After some further explanation of the how's and why's and what if's of kidney stones he debunked everything everybody has told me to do in the last number of days. When I told him I was drinking lots of lemon and water and cranberry juice et al he became quite miffed. "Cobblers!", exclaimed my normally mild mannered physician and launched into a tirade about the, "efffing internet" and how everybody is not an expert as they haven't studied at medical school 'for seven bloody years'. I was quite taken aback and made a move to pull my trousers up. It's been quite a while since somebody shouted at me with my trousers down. But the less said about school the better.
After that he did a bit of probing and gentle rubbing. I say gentle but I am sure he took some of his anger out on my groin. Following that eh, healing, experience he suggested that I go piss in a bottle. I said that was no way to treat a client. He said he needed a sample. I went red and slopped off to do what was required.
Now I had no problem providing a sample what with the amount of water Little Miss Manuel constantly reminds me that I have to drink. But what I do have a problem with is the fact that the toilet was locked and I had to go ask the surly receptionist and guardian of the toilet key to lend me it so I could make toilet in a little bottle. Oh and all this whilst clasping the aforementioned little bottle and having to explain myself in front of a waiting room full to the rafters with nosey old people and their funny little trolleys. I saw them nudging each other as I tried to whisper the word, 'sample'. Obviously she heard me and knew what I was on about, especially as I was waving the sample bottle in her chubby little face but still she pretended not to understand so I had to say it again, only louder.
But I returned with the bottle brimming with product. I assumed he wanted it filled. He dipped it with a thing and then consulted another thing and then went quiet, clasped his hands and turned to face me.
"So...do you want the good news or the bad news?"
I was stumped. Was this really the best way to handle this situation? I mean does he do this with all his patients? "I'm sorry Mrs Smith you have cancer, but the good news is you wont suffer for long. Want a lolly-pop?" Maybe he didn't go to his precious medical school that day! I didn't answer, actually I didn't get a chance too answer.
"There's still blood in your urine but the good news is that there's less than before."
Awesome, here's a sandwich, it's made with shit, thought I as I dealt with this news. He then started drawing diagrams showing where my stone was and other things but my mind was wandering onto other issues. As he was drawing maps of my insides I was nodding along but was really thinking about sandwiches. Lovely sandwiches, not shit sandwiches. It was only when he brought up the possibility that we might have to send a camera up my waiters friend to get the blighter that I snapped out of my bread and meat based daydream. A camera going up your woo hoo tends to focus the mind somewhat and remind you of your priorities.
The cycle home was much glummer than the cycle to the doctors surgery. Plus it's uphill.
I really don't want a camera going up my waiters chum. I am very firmly against that idea and am now, surprisingly, very pro peeing stones out my wee wee.
Good fucking times eh.
Never did get a sandwich either.
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If you haven't voted yet, get it done here.
I’m with you. Nothing should go up there, it’s against the laws of nature.
Plus, what if the camera thing developed a fault and became live? What if it had a raggedy edge, like a recently cut fingernail?
What if the nurse type person slotting it in to your one eyed friend (and I don’t mean Gordon Brown) had been cutting raw chillies immediately before? I’m not helping, am I?
I am going to hunt you down…and shove my stones up your waiters chum…
There are worse things Manuel……..yesser
no, no there aren’t…
Oh, Manuel. This whole thing makes me wince. Haven’t they given you the good drugs, though? My friend had kidney stones and they gave her lots of morphine. It didn’t help, but she said some really funny things.
ah morphine…oh how I miss thee…
bloody hell least you could have gotten a nice sammie…
good luck manuel..i keep crossing my legs in sympathy every time i read about it and i don’t have a ‘waiters chum’
I did have scrambled eggs….but it’s not the same though is it…
I saw that very op being done on Embarassing Illnesses a while back. Himself nearly passed out with the fright. Oh it’s tame compared to the ordeal I went through last month I tell ya… but the nice male doctor with a man’s name gave me the Big C all clear today so I am well chuffed…
Priorities eh…I am truly delighted to hear that ducky….
Us too – all’s well that ends well eh! And everybody’s troubles are equally important – especially when it involves yer bits…
No, not really… In the real life game of top trumps the bug c trumps all…
video? please put it on youtube, with some narration and perhaps a good soundtrack. something by The Stones?
oh ha ha….[wipes away tears]
I had to have a camera stuck up my “front bottom” once. It was quite painful. I don’t recommend it.
Cheers for that…I had assumed that I wont find many advocates for such a procedure…
Ouch. All I can say is…ouch
ouch ouch and ouch again…
The can get at them with lasers these days.
But then have you seen the size of the thing the laser is attached to in Star Wars? You’ll be needing lube.
If they do shove a camera up yer cockeye will you release a DVD of it? With a 3D version? And a commentary?
I’ll find you and haunt you with it….I’ll make you watch it like that woman in Terror at the Opera…that’ll teach you
Tell him you’ll do the camera thingy only if you get a nice big shot first. Then you can get rid of that nasty stone.
morphine? Oh I want to be out for the count…gone…good night…adios…I want no memory of it….
Manuel, did you get a new job with Envirophone?
I’ll do anything for money…anything…..!
Manuel, one word….stitches
laughing eh?
Ah Manuel, my sympathies and condolences. Do remember to control the message there however.
When you go along to see the ‘chap’ chap, remember to take along your old Sony Handycam. Then you can point out to the blighter that should you be in any discomfort during or after, you’ll be reciprocating with you own 9mm ‘explorer’.
Oh, and wear a dark suit. That way when you come back out with yer eyes watering, people will think you’ve been to a funeral and not ask embarrasing questions.
-Blod.
ha….funeral…nice
DEMAND drugs, sugar! xoxoxox
I do….constantly…
I suggest using Sir David Attenborough as the narrator of your video.
no…what ya call him….from March of the Penguins…Morgan Freeman…
Oh Nooooooooooo! A camera up your waiters chum? Why do doctors do such evil? Although, if he distracts you with a sandwich it’ll be over before you know it. Like when parents remove a plaster, “look over there, what’s that?” RRRIIIPPP, “AAAAHHHHHGGGGG” *starts crying*
I am so sad….all the time….
seriously Not laughing, scary event if anything.Not meant to denigrate what you are going through at the moment.
i’m very sensitive at the moment….sniff sniff…
Too……many …..jokes…
Flexible cystoscopy. Ask for the flexible one, fer Gawd’s sake!
It sound like they want to send the light source, camera and whatnot up your little friend, through your bladder, up the ureter and see where the kidney stone is.
That’s a long haul.
There’s a rigid version which they have to strap people down for but it’s the flexible one you want. Although, it won’t feel very flexible to you or your little friend.
If they can send up the grabby thingy (think the scene in Total Recall where Arnie pulls a probe out of his brain through his nose) to grab the stone, then you’ll be pissing blood for the next week but at least it’ll be gone.
My condolences…….
why why why would they assault me with anything other than a flexible one…..oh my…