Ask Manuel! **Special Grooming Issue**
Saturday and all was well post our first sitting of about 100 ladies attending a religious conference nearby. We get this crowd every year and nothing, outside of Christmas, fills us with as much fear. We got it wrong one year, very wrong, and took more bookings from the conference than we could really cope with. The service was slow and the food maybe wasn't all it could have been. The ladies were a lot less forgiving than you would have hoped, all things considered. There was swearing and everything. WWJD? Write an angry letter with bad punctuation threatening retribution, apparently. All very old testament I must say. But that was a few years ago and since then we have sensible and have avoided any such repetition of those brutal and sweary scenes.
Anyhoo we were busy high fiving each other and congratulating each other for surviving when I over heard a conversation between Waiter Chum 1.5 and Waiter Chum the Small.
"He smells like a summer meadow!"
"You are sooooo wrong, he smells like a glistening white stallion fresh from a run across a beach!"
"Eh no he doesn't he smells like a summer meadow, fresh and delightful."
"Whatever, but I wonder how he does it considering he works so hard, never stopping for a moment and he never has to wipe sweat from his face with white roll or a service cloth. It's amazing he stays so dry!"
I was intrigued. Just who was this magnificent hard working bastard who smells like the cross between and glistening white stallion and the freshness of a summer meadow? I knew it wasn't a chef because they all smell like feet, animal feet. And obviously it couldn't be a manager because, well, hard working? Really? I don't think so. But before I could ask them just who this heroic and perfumed chap was Waiter Chum 1.5 turned to me and asked...
"Hey, fat boy, how do you manage to stay so fresh and smell so, so, I dunno...good even after a long day?"
I ignored the fat boy remark. Me? They were talking about me?
So that's today's question for Ask Manuel!
Just how do I stay so magnificently fresh and dry and with a face so smooth you could lick it, not that you'd want to, even after a long hot shift?
I have a two track approach to staying fresh and bewitchingly fragrant through a long shift. First thing is to avoid as much work as possible. This cuts down on the sweat issue quite considerably. I use everything from delegation, threats, bribery and imaginary back complaints to avoid doing any real work or lifting anything more than three plates at a time. But obviously you can only swerve work for so long and in the end you have to do some or, you know, you'll get a reputation.
This is were a good bathroom routine comes into play. No waiter should smell like the food they are serving or for that matter the food they may have served days ago. So there is no point in showering and all that if you are going to through on last Friday's shirt on top. No a clean, well pressed shirt trouser combo is the only way. And when you have the iron out you may as well run it over the apron and service cloth too. Nobody wants to mistake your apron creases for overt enthusiasm for the fish dish. If you know what I mean.
But the most important element is the products you use. They should balance and not over power. The punter wants to smell the food not the male grooming counter of the local 24 hour garage. I use, and you'll probably want to get a pen out for this, the very fine range of chap's products from .
This stuff rocks. It rocks like Black Sabbath, with Ozzy. I use the shower gel, shaving gel, following up with facial moisturising balm and deodorant to keep me dry and smelling fresher than a Dizzee Rascal beat. A Dizzee Rascal beat? Not sure I can pull that off but you know what I mean.The shaving gel is especially brilliant stuff. It makes shaving a two day chore. Combined with a decent razor it works like glue, seriously. The first time I used it I insisted people touch my face, it was like the touching a peach, a finely shaved peach. I will never use Gillette again. It's like rubbing your precious face with milk, pointless by comparison to Soap & Glory's .
Since I started to use I have found my tips have increased as my sweat issues have dried up. My conversations are better and not even my kidney stones hurt like they used to.*
, the waiters choice is available from Boots and all good shops and what have you and I'm sure some bad ones too.
This post was in no way influenced by the big box of products that they so graciously sent me. Heh. I was already using it. No really.
I explained all this to my Waiter Chums who took notes so that they too could advice the chaps in their lives of the wonderful products from Soap & Glory.
"Yeah, yeah....it really does smell good", said Waiter Chum 1.5 as she came close to get a big generous sniff of the good stuff.
"I see it doesn't work so well when you fart though", and off the two of them went glasping their noses and and casting dirty looks.
Damn my fat and seemingly uncontrollable ass.
though, it works.
*My kidney stones really do still hurt and whilst tips have gone up of late I'm sure it's more to do with my appalling grovelling and need for cash due to my enforced week off work. I need a shower now, I feel dirty. Heh.
til recently i worked in a popular small lisburn rd restaurant that focuses mainly on rotisserie chicken. guys loved sniffing the roasty-chicken scent of my hair!
ha…welcome baphomis…rotisserie chicken you say…was one of your fans a smallish chap, tubby with a unshaven face and whiff of desperation? if so, it was The Cousin…loves chicken…
Ok there is such a thing as clean sweat, as in you had a shower, clothes are clean and ironed…so therefore odour won’t be an issue. I just want to avoid the intense heat…and sadly because of this crappy recession we are understaffed and all have to work our asses off. I’m stealing this quote from a friend when I say it was ‘hotter than a priests crotch in a confession box’ today in the restaurant.
and just as you stole it from your friend, then I shall steal it from you….it aces…wrong, but aces…heh oh and my sweat is never clean…ever…unless of course I have just showered with a fine Soap & Glory Product
Your final descent into corporate whoredom, Manny. How can we ever believe what you say now, without wondering if it’s just The Man’s dollar greasing your apron?
I’m a waiter? WTF would you expect? sake…Donald Trump would be proud…
You’re talking about shaving your face, right?
Does that stuff sting? My face doesn’t like an everyday shave either. All of the King of Shaves style snake-oils irritate. Best thing is shaving with baby lotion. Moisturise and shave in one non-irritating go.
really? that works? Oh my. I shave head and face….and occasionally shoulders….the hair tickles when I try to go to sleep..
is the stuff good for sensitive skin? and oo laundry i loves laundry no reason to not have clean clothes!
yes…yes it is….I’m sure it is…
who knew? that stuff is available at target here in the states! not that the MITM will use it, he has sensitive skin. xoxoxoxox
bless his little precious face…
You’re blog is soooooooo disturbing! Really, you’re a goofball, and I’m not sure I mean it in the cute charming sense of the word! However, I am back… so maybe I’m the goofball…
mmmm okie dokie…do keep me informed with regards to your falling in love with me…
I want a big box of S&G products so I can have a bath in their creams and smell delicious for a week
ah….if only…
I’ll pick some up and see if Mr. M likes it.
the shaving gel is the best….
Somebody mention chicken ? Huh ?
chicken boy
Lol!
you will…victory will be mine…you will wonder how you ever lol’d without me…
Hello Manuel. Over at our blog we have given you a Versatility Award, for being versatile. Not least in extending your delicious-smelling multi-tasking talents to The Beautification of the Male.
Sorry, this is kind of tag: one of these “say seven things about yourself” things. So… up to the challenge of showing how versatile you are, seven ways?
obviously I am delighted to receive you award….but memes are a curse….please don’t be offended…
whore, you’re whoring for a soap company.
you say it like it’s a bad thing….how odd…
A fucking advert? I come all the way over here from another part of the internet, and all I have to read is a fucking advert?! For soap?!
Jaysus man, get yourself a bar of carbolic (I hear FALCON do a good bar for the reasonable price of about 50 pence), and a proper man’s razor (a PARKER DOUBLE EDGE SAFTEY RAZOR is the tops (so I hear)). And whilst you’re at it some IZAL MEDICATED TOILET PAPER (it saw us through the war, you know).
Anyway. A curse on your and your advert. I’m off to eat some fine CADBURYS DAIRY MILK and have a lovely cup of PG TIPS.
Later on this afternoon, I shall indulge in some FOX’S CRUNCH CREAMS, before a tasty dinner of a GOODFELLAS PIZZERIA-STYLE PIZZA (special offers in-store now), and a pint of GREENE KING IPA down at the pub.
Perhaps I’ll see you there for last orders and a glass of BLACKBUSH 10 YEAR OLD MALT WHISKEY?
(dammit, when will *my* free stuff arrive?)
so, how’d that work out for you then? Funnily enough I got approached by a sports company the other day….me? working with a sports company? are they on crack?
No offense on memes; just consider yourself admired, venerated, and generally bowed-down-to-and-worshipped-from-afar. Not in a stalky way, obviously.
Must be the lovely clean soapy smell wafting down the internet…
well aren’t you just a peach…..(please dont be a dude, please dont be a dude)