Hungry Hungry Hippos…
I love getting ready to go out for dinner. I shower and I dress. I preen and I prune, mainly nasal hairs. And, if I am being honest, I normally get changed again or put a sweater on. It's odd how quick shirts seems to shrink in my wardrobe. Before I leave I check for keys, an essential element in getting back into the house for post dinner lie down and unbuttoning of jeans, wallet, because I don't do dishes at home and I'm certainly not going to do them in a restaurant and the various flotsam and jetsam that I cant seem to outside without.
But you know what I've never taken with me to a restaurant?
A calculator.
Never done it, never will.
Who are these people? Eh, who are these people that are so anal, so frugal, dare I say it - miserable that they take a calculator out to dinner? Are they so terrified about having to spend a penny more than they have to, they lift the kids Big Button Casio before they leave the house. Actually I'm pretty sure they keep a calculator in their bag or jacket pocket at all times. Funny thing about these calculators is that none of them seem to have a fucking "%" button on them. How queer! If you see the calculator coming out you know you're getting shafted. All shaft and no tip innit.
Restaurant guests handle the bill in many different ways, I know this because I'm sad and have studied their odd little ways, studied, recorded and belittled and all from behind various curtains, plants and whilst crouching behind empty tables.
So when it comes to the bill, which are you?
The Hungry Hungry Hippos are usually a table of friends all keen to impress and will dive on the bill like kids trying to capture little white balls with the decapitated heads of plastic hippos (that game is quite sick when you think about it). Sometimes they are a bit too eager to gain control of the bill and the innocent get injured. Obviously I mean me. Such was the desire of one woman one evening to pay the bill that she elbowed her chum out of the way and cut the skin on my hand with her inch long and highly polished nails. One shouldn't break the skin of the waiter when paying the bill. It's not done in polite society. Sake.
The Pretenders, don't get me wrong this has nothing to do with gravel voice songstress Chrissie Hynde and every thing to do with those really rather foolish people who ignore the bill, who pretend it's just not there. These chumps don't even acknowledge you as you leave the bill down. Let me tell you, I'm no waif, I have no stealth like properties and am way to fat to be a ninja. If I am at your table you tend to notice me so pretending that the bill isn't there just doesn't wash. And the people who ask for the bill and then ignore it, what's their deal eh?
The Salt n Peppa types who like to just push it out of their line of sight get right on my sweaty wick and are just as annoying as the poor deluded Pretenders. Pushing it wont make it go away and remember what Saint Steven of Morrissey said, "The more you ignore me, the closer I get." This applies equally to bills and waiters and it should be noted a waiter seeking payment is a very hard thing to shift. We are like herpes in that respect.
The, "I've got a little secret" types don't bother me at all. They make a grab for the bill fair enough but like a captured spy with the invasion plans they will not reveal any details of the bill. They look, they reach for their wallet and they hide the evidence. Good work, an example to the rest of you.
Now, whilst Johnny or Jane Big Balls might pay the bill pretty quickly they do still make me want to do a sick in my mouth. They just cant pay he bill and fuck off, oh no that would be too easy. They have to shout about it. "I got it Bob", "Shirley, Shirley, Shirley...Shirley I'll get this." Okay, great you bought dinner for your chums, well done you. But it was dinner not houses so STOP FUCKING SHOUTING ABOUT IT. We get it, you're gonna pay, you've said it fifty times already. Get over yourself and whilst you're being so very altruistic stick a little more on top and I'll tell them you're a king amongst men or whatever.
And then there are our chums with calculators, The Forensic Accountants. Sigh. 
But they don't always need calculators. Well they do but sometimes they don't have one so it's pen, paper, long division and counting toes. Talk about sucking the fun right out of life. I've seen tables spend 40 minutes just working the bill out. They go through the check line by line, ticking off each persons meal item by item. Oh my god, it;s just so awful. So miserly. And it never ends well for the waiter.
My advice for what it's worth, is only ask for the bill when you are ready to leave. As soon as you ask for the bill the clock in the waiter's head is running. He's making plans for his next table and he expects you gone really within ten minutes. Ordering more drinks after the bill has either been settled or presented will result in tutting and a souring in relations. When you get the bill check it, mistakes do happen and we will deny it if you discover it sometime later. But scan it, don't be checking it like it is your divorce settlement. Sake.
Bill paying, it's not difficult.
oh and I’m having a little tidy up round here so bear with me….
My friend and I did the Hungry Hippo thing now it’s moved to one or the other sneaking to the bathroom and settling the bill on the way back before the waiter even brings it to the table. Is this in bad taste?
No, that’s quite acceptable. But quite often that’s when we get stiffed…nobody knows but the waiter and the stiffer…I’m sure you and your chums wouldn’t do that…
Simple-add 10-20% then divide by number of people. If you don’t want to get burnt then don’t order a fucking salad and a glass of water.
Sadly I do have mental friends, one is a shite tipper, so I double tip to compensate for her meanness. I’ve eventually trained the boyf into being one of the I’ve got a little secret types. If he attempts to grumble about a tip, there is a stern angry eyebrow raised, followed by mutterings about most of my income coming from tips. Once I was at a forensic accountant night, I was dying a death, praying that me a waitress wasn’t caught out for being part of this calculated anal madness….morto!
Friends eh…they can be a let down…bills should come with a simple remark on the bottom stating how much the bill is when spilt by the number of covers…it couldn’t be that hard to do…
I can sympathize manuel have lost count of folks sharing a taxi home who all insist on paying and shouting at me not to take there friends money(once had 2 fellas near come to blows over paying which would make sense if they didnt want to paybut because they want to i meen come on!!), if they want to pay so much y dont they both pay and get the fuck out.
BTD
sorry for swearing but pet peeve
heh…I see that situation quite often too…I “joke” that they can both pay if it makes them feel good…I’m all for 100% tips…
Thon Continuity Phil Not Grant is a mixture. When it comes to ordering he’s a Hungry Hungry Hippo alright, but when it comes to paying he’s more Pass the Parcel.
I am not surprised by this…tight git…
if we’re out with friends we usually put 2 cards in the book (or what ever number of couples are at table) and say divide it x ways. (if it’s a new resto we’re visiting one of us will try and let the waiter know we’ll be doing that, so there are no surprises) waiter brings said number of books back and every one tips accordingly. if we’re with a cheap couple (they know who they are) we generally tip a bit more to compensate. everyone seems pleased. xoxoxoxo
see, it can be done!
I’d be too frightened to stiff a waiter in case word got back to you Manuel. It’s a miracle I eat out at all after reading what is expected of a diner!
fear….I like my punters full of fear….hehehehe
Urgh! I’ve only ever once been subjected to the “forensic accountants”. It was a table of about 15 of us. The standards we encountered at the restaurant is another story for another time.
But, by the time we’d actually got the bill, most of us just want to pay and go home. So the bill arrives and we’re all ready to divide by 15 and get the hell out of there (the one time a calculator might actually come in handy). But the wife of one of the party would only pay for what she and her husband ate and she wouldn’t allow anyone to pay for anything they didn’t eat. She even went as far as deciding how much of the bottle of wine she had drunk (“well, I only had an 8th of the bottle so I’m only going to pay an 8th of the price of said bottle”).
I shit you not… 45 minutes later, she’s still going over the bill. The rest of us have just put £30 on the table each and left her husband and friends to deal with it. I think the surplus went to charity as the service really was that bad. Waited 2 hours between the starter and receiving our main course.
two hours? sweet baby jesus in the manger all covered in afterbirth they had some cheek even presenting a bill! We simply wouldn’t get away with it…actually a waiter would have spoken our your behalf…
Ah, you assume it was a quality establishment. It was one of those “Italian” restaurants that probably couldn’t even point at Italy on a map of Italy. “Chefs” was father and sons, “waitresses” were mother and daughters. The kind of place that displays a certificate of excellence in their window which was cobbled together in MS Word.
Never again.
hahahahahaha….nice…I think I’ve eaten there….but then again there are many like it
Usually add 20 or so to cover our daughter. Just add 10-15% to the bill divide by the adults, Pay and leave, simple. People who hang around chatting after the bill is paid drive me nuts, shift already, we can go somewhere else.
well said….you have redeemed yourself…
i order, i eat, i only ask for the bill if i’m hurried otherwise the person waiting the table brings it in a timely manner, i then take the bill add in the tip, pay and leave. its not rocket science people, you ate you owe you pay you leave, sake!
no, no it’s not….! well said
My constant issue with your abhorrent language aside, this is a right-on post. Bill paying should not be that big of a deal, and people with calculators (or those who use their cell phone as one) drive me crazy!
BTW, enjoyed your Fathers Day post, probably the main reason I plan to keep stopping by! Under all that uncouth stuff is a sweet guy. God bless.
Thanks…
You see I cant swear at work, it’s very much disapproved of….so I swear like a trooper round here….cant change me…heh…
I’m a bill divider with two weights put in- a slightly lower amount for those ordering vegetarian courses and higher for those ordering steaks. It generally works out quite well and everyone puts in a fiver each for the tip. Everyone’s happy!
Set price meals are the best way to go when you’re eating out with people. No arguments, just a giant food coma!
yes! Set menus are they way to go….still leaves the drink problem though…she had more wine than I had and he drank fifteen pints were as I had two….blah blah blah…
The worst behaviour I’ve seen on numerous occasions when the bill comes with grad students or academics is when someone looks to profit from the evening.
Horrible.
Everyone throws cash into a pile, and then one person says they don’t have any cash and will put it on their credit card. Always, they pocket the cash which includes a generous tip and then stiff the waiter.
Or, even worse, academics who claim to be Marxists and speak up for the working class then go to dinner and tip 10%. Yep, friend of the working class.
Union folks tip for shit too…it’s a stiffing every time…