Ask Manuel! The Problem with friends…

I awoke on Wednesday morning to find a spot on my chin.

"That's new!", I exclaimed as I rubbed the crust from early morning eyes. It was both new and unwelcome. I'm 37 for Gordon's sake! Spots, like homework, should be a thing of he past. Am I going through puberty again? Because I could really live without that. Some things don't need sequels, all Adam Sandler movies and puberty specifically. I didn't cope with it well the first time round and I'm not sure my body could take all that change all over again. That's said I would welcome a deeper voice, something Brian Blessed like would be frickin sweet.

Anyhoo, less of my problems and more of yours...

A reader, the often annoying Joe Schmo, writes...

Alright fat man? I don't go out for dinner very often and when I do it tends to be with my mates or with my Ma and Da. I have no lady friend. Now I like a good meal when I'm out, bit of steak, maybe some fish lots of wine and a big bowl of ice cream for afters. I am no foodie but I do like things to be right. My problem is that my mates are dicks. Not all of them because that would make me a dick for hanging out with them. But there is always one who gets us into trouble or threatened with removal every time we go out. He leers at the waitresses, drinks too much, plays with his food and totally makes a tit of himself. And if he's not at that then his brother will be at something else, normally trying to do a bunk without paying. This one time he started a row with the waiter on purpose just get money off the bill. What should we do wise one?

Fat man? That's nice. Funnily enough we had a table just like this on Saturday. It's the season of the stag do and with it comes the unbearable noise and childlike behaviour of men who should really know better. They weren't too bad at first but a volatile combination of afternoon drinking, hot sun, hunger and general idiocy was about to spill over into malarky and tomfoolery. I am rarely at home to malarkey and tomfoolery. Which is ironic as I'm usually involved in many a farce.

They were loud and a few of them were obnoxious but nothing that Waiter Chum the Younger couldn't handle. But then in an instant the noise went up and mood changed. There was swearing and the sound of chairs being pushed back in anger. I looked around for some support but funnily enough everybody was busy. The management were managing the coffee pot. Cheers lads! I ventured forth to see what was going on. I pulled back the precious gold velvet curtains to discover a stand off.

There was a new chap, new and unwelcome by the group. Apparently he knew them from the hamlet or townland or whatever collective of farms they were from. He had followed them to the restaurant and waited a bit before announcing his arrival. All very Gollum-ish. He was as welcome as off milk on your cornflakes, as a turd in your bed and a Sandler on your TV. They chaps wanted him removed. So I set about removing him. Or something like that. He didn't want to go, not when there was shouting and Mickey taking to be done. Meh.

In the end and after a bit of physical persuasion I got him out of the section were the chaps were dining. I pulled the curtains closed and explained to him why he was leaving, he was unclear about this. But I'm sure the fist that came through the crack in the curtains made everything much clearer. That would be the fist that missed me by inches and got him square on the nose. Heh.

Obviously once I got sore nose out of the restaurant I had to go back and have a little chat, a chatette if you will, with the chaps about the use of fisticuffs during service and about how very much I was against it. Sake. I went to the leader of the table and explained what would happen if there was anymore monekyshining or inappropriate capers, ie they would be chucked out. They settled down after that. Which was nice.

Okay I'm not really sure that story really helps with your problem Joe. Crikey, what you should really do is get some new chums. These don't sound like the sorts that will make life long buddies or the sort of chaps that you would want standing beside you as you get married. Your mates are your mates and what ya gonna do? I cant really tell you what to do with them but I can tell you what we do in such circumstances.

We find the leader of the table and if they are too drunk or stupid to be useful then we find the next best person and we warn them, we belittle them, we make then look like wee lads. It's frightfully embarrassing for all concerned, not me obviously, to be told off and made to look like a plonker by an 18 year old woman when you are a fully grown man ape in your late 30's. Be warned.

Friends eh, who needs em!?