Dreaming of Charlton Heston…
I was lying in bed last evening thinking about yer man, the teacher, from Friday night and his smart arsed reply to my insisting he calm down, ““Oh I’m breaking the restaurant commandments am I?”
There should be restaurant commandments and there should be a fire and brimstone based punishment for those who break the precious rules. I tried to formulate these structures in my head but the sleep man came and took me to the land of dancing horses and bars of chocolate the size of houses. My dreams are always food based. Well nearly always food based…
This time my dreams were more Charlton Heston based than gargantuan snack food based. Which was odd. But Charlton spoke to me. He laid out to me the New Restaurant Commandments, reciting them in a big boomy, “you’re not getting my gun from me matey”, type of way. Funny thing was it was Charlton Heston from Planet of the Apes and not Moses Heston. But what you gonna do? I shut up and listened until ol snappy bollocks insisted I write them down as he wasn’t going to be repeating them. He had a golf date with Fun-time Ronnie Regan booked and didn’t want to be late. Before he went I asked him what heaven was like.
We both laughed at the preposterousness of that. Charlton Heston in heaven, ha.
Anyhoo, these are the New Commandments. Get them learned or I promise you a fiery ring and spit based soup will be your only reward, virtuous life or not.
1. I am your Waiter, you will have no other Waiters before me. So don’t even try to move sections or catch the attention of other Waiters.
2. Thou shalt not worship false idols. Chefs for one. The Waiter is your lord matey so forget about the cooker jockeys and their ilk. So tear down your craven Gordon Ramsay images and burn your James Martin books (for so many reasons).
3. Thou shall not take the name of your Waiter in vain or bandy it about like you know your Waiter personally. You shall use it only to be polite and not to attract attention from the other side of the restaurant.
4. Remember your reservation time and keep it holy.
5. Honour your Mother and Father or special Uncles (delete as appropriate) and stay on your seat, don’t speak until spoken to, eat what you are given and for the love of all that is holy and right don’t start crying.
6. Thou shalt not murder…the food by covering it in a sauce you selected by colour or because, “everything tastes better with ketchup/pepper sauce.” Thou, that is you in old people speak, shall suffer most when the four Waiters of the apocalypse come riding (in taxis) over the hill on the final day.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery, either on your favourite Waiter or by including them in your extramarital affairs. Chose a different restaurant and keep it to yourself.
8. Thou shalt not steal the tips of your Waiter nor the cruets and cutlery from your table or other tables. Your punishment shall make the murderers thankful they got off light. Stiffing your Waiter is considered a form of theft too. Obviously.
9. You shalt not tell lies or bear false witness about your Waiter to the management, other guests or other Waiters or on Internet message boards or review sites.
10. Thou shalt not covet your dining partners food, other Waiters, other tables (especially those beside windows or in special outside areas) or booking times that are not available. Thou shall eat, drink, tip, leave.
Blessed are the Waiters, for we are meek, poor, hungry and thirsty and thus we shall inherit the earth, the kingdom of Gordon Ramsay and everything in between and we shall be satisfied.
This is the word of The Waiter.
24 Comments → “Dreaming of Charlton Heston…”
As someone who served their time waitressing, I say “Amen to that”!
I hear ya!
Hee!
An improvement on the original, for sure.
ha, no question…
damn, sugar, y’all do dream some dreams! (may i have a copy of those commandments to share with my less refined associates?) xoxoxo
less refined? print it for them…
And having delivered his commandments, Manuel took his two tablets of stone and went behind the burning bush.
A waiter’s gotta do what a waiter’s gotta do.
bwahahaha, yes yes he does
“Thou shall eat, drink, tip, leave.” because its not rocket science people…
good rules!
well said….huzzah for Cat
Thou shalt not be a wise ass. Thou waiter shall make all the jokes and snidey remarks, so if you spake, ‘Pan fried seabass? What would you fry something in, if not a pan?’ expect to be slapped down with an arch, ‘in a deep fat fryer, sir, or a wok.’
bwahahahahaha
So clicking your fingers IS ok after all then?
try it…I dare you….go ahead, I’m not gonna hurt you…heh
Blessed are the Waiters? Pah!
I’ll bless you. Now stand still while I find my stout blessing stick…
oh you’d like that wouldn’t you
What about the cheesemakers?
“And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works.”
On the final judgement will our tipping history be laid bare?
you get a choice, tipping history or internet history…
Far be it from me to suggest that Maurice Ses (Mo to his mates) should have had more Commandments, but I think you could have a few more.
How about:
‘Thou must not let thy foul offspring run around, shrieking, knocking stuff over and tripping up the plate-bearers. Blessed are the plate-bearers’.
ah that’s dealt with by commandment number five….the list is not finite…and will be added to as your Waiter sees fit…it’s all rather arbitrary…
Garcon, Garcon,
*Clicks Fingers*
GARCON!
This salad is cold . . . . and do you have any real ale?
[speaking into collar] can I get a doorman to the restaurant please, doorman to the restaurant…use extreme force…
Thou shalt not take the stress of work and deliver it upon thy waiter. Tho he may not show it, he is quick to anger and holds the memory of thy trangressions for evermore.
memory like an elephant…when it comes to transgressors…