To shave or not to shave, that is the question…
the new Manuel?......probably not...it's not a fucking magic beard
So my holiday is over, meh, and I have to return to the joy of work yet again. I've only been off for ten days but it feels like so much longer. I do not want to go back to work, I want to sit about with my jeans slung low whilst eating grapes and reading short stories of whimsy and wonder. Or, as is most probably, eating microwave pizza two at a time whilst alternating between Age of Empires and Football Manger 2010.
Sigh, I shall miss the lazy days.
But I have reached a decision. Whilst I have obviously to ditch the low slung jeans and the food encrusted t-shirts, the boss simply wouldn't stand for such sloppy attire, I have decided that the beard is staying. That's right, Manuel now comes with a beard. A woo hoo!
Now, whilst it undoubtedly suits off-duty-sitting-about-the-house-eating-pies-and-fighting-the-forces-of-darkness(online forces that is, not real forces of darkness obviously)-Manuel, I do wonder if it suits professional-waiter-about-town-Manuel. I have pondered this quite a bit over the last week as my look has changed from unshaven layabout to man recovering from illness to man growing beard. Obviously I have pondered whilst perfecting my beard stroke action. It's important to cultivate and execute a good beard stroke. You want to look wise and sage like and not like a pompous twit or faux Bond villain. Although I can easily change my beard stroke action for seasonal events such as Halloween.
After a little bit of huffing and reluctance to get on board with my new facial friend, Little Miss Manuel appears to have taken to my new hirsute look. The Cousin less so, "You don't look like Bad Superman anymore", he announced from the other side of the bar on Saturday evening whilst crushing his plastic beer cup. It was hard to take him seriously though as he was now soaking in beer. Not that he noticed. "Not Bad Superman...no...you look like Hipster Superman....". That was nice, but he wasn't done and as he pointed his crushed cup at me he chuckled and followed up with, "Here...here...ha...why don't you fuck off and save some soy beans or something..."
Charming chap when he's trolleyed. That was our first drink together for about two years. I think that record may be topped.
Anyhoo, family and loved ones aside I do wonder what the guests will make of it.
I fully expect that my waiter chums and chums of waiters and chefs will abuse me, gently, for a day or two. I mean one of the chaps came into work with a dashing new haircut recently who got ribbed mercilessly for days. It appears people don't like change. In the end he just shaved it off and started again. But I'm not really fussed what my work chums think. I am only concerned with the tipping public.
Will they rail against my beard, and me obviously, in horror?
Will they consider me to be dirty?
Will they think I am an individual not to be trusted with their sweet order let alone their credit card?
When did you last get served by a waiter with a beard? Hipsters working in coffee shops don't count. I mean when did you last go out for a decent meal and get served by a chap with a trimmed, tidy, bit of facial decoration?
I'm in quite a pickle I must say.
I turned to the Internet for advice. Sometimes I despair of the Internet and the citizens that live therein. This chap for example, "" Use? A beard? Like how? How and what would you use your beard for? The mind boggles. My beard, like Dimitar Berbatov, will be for decoration only and will provide no useful function at all.
But the waiter/beard conundrum has been an issue for restaurateurs and guests for as long as men have schlepped plates from angry chefs to ungrateful guests.
I found this little snippet from The New York Times that dates from 1892!
Crikey, I'm not sure I am ready to fight for my right to wear a beard. Oh well. I suppose I will find out on Tuesday night what the great unwashed think of Manuel a la beard. Good times eh...
I like beards. Just saying.
I’ll add that to the “pro” side of the argument…!
Lol @ you with a beard. Get a job.
job? at least i have one….lol! (as the kids say)
regardless of the timing of your decision, you MUST go out and get some sun on your face before you shave it off! there is nothing funnier than a man with a half-tan. well, unless it’s a man in a caftan with a half-tan.
what? really? our”summer” has been and gone…..!
Just think, all you’ll have to do from now on is give it a weekly trim (or not if cold weather is on the way). Non of that daily shaving malarkey with all those different creams and things, and the minutes you save can be spent having a relaxing sit down with a cup of tea.
Welcome to the hairy face club!
it feels good….like i always belonged here…good times…!
I did try to think of a use for your beard, but only came up with one. The crumb-catcher. No doubt that particular function will come in handy.
I am very pro-beard, by the way.
but it wouldn’t work as my beard will be full of treats and assorted mid shift snacks….heh
All depends what it looks like. I kept one for a while when I couldn’t shave after a bout of chicken pox. When it grew to a proper length the bastard was ginger. Real, next-doors-cat shade of ginger. I looked like Lulu’s arse. Probably.
I fear the gingerness too….really fear it
I LOVE AGE OF EMPIRES! I lost entire summers to those games! *geek*
tis awesome eh…! especially with the cheat codes….hehehe
A beard in summer seems like big trouble to me.
Sweat magnet.
summer’s over….what could go wrong….ha!
Very handsome I’m sure!
like a little bear do ya? eeek…
the beard is fine as long as you don’t go scratching it all the time..ewww makes me feel like the food will be full of beard dander.
ha!
Have had a Beard for about 15years now.Shaved it off once, daughter who was 10 then cried as I didn’t look like her daddy. had to grow it back sharpish.
Any grey showing yet? Always had grey on the chin section but now starting to appear on the moustache, this is not so great.
Mine usually doubles as a beer strainer.
there is! And I like it….makes me look distinguished…
I say keep the beard ! you can always say you have joined the other side & ditched the Superman look & become instead….Lex Luther!
But, remember ! no man is a hero to his barber.
Use your powers wisely !
hahahahahaha!
Sorry Manuel, but there are only two instances where it’s acceptable for waiters to wear beards: the first instance is in those establishments where the contemplation of a Caravaggio prior to a discourse of this evening’s Amuse Bouche is ‘De Rigueur’. The second involves organic, Coypu-friendly tofu, sanitarily dubious bench seating and unfortunate laminations.
And don’t underestimate the risks. While you revel in your facially-flocked excitement, you’re only one unfortunate shedding away from “Waiter, there’s a pube in my cheese sauce!”. The ultimate Waiterly shame.
Stop it Blod….you’re scaring me now……!
Will you be proclaiming your love of real ale next?
ok settle down….I mean it’s just a beard….not a change in lifestyle….plus I don’t have a plastic bag collection….
Could they make a beard net Compulsory?
i’d like to see them try….that post writes itself…..!
Only grew a beard twice and was hated by Mrs Fattakin. My problem was trimming, as in the lack of it.
The ginger has gone grey too.
What product does a man buy to trim a beard then? perhaps this could be the winter where i give it a 3rd go…
Trimming eh? Sounds like work to me……I do not welcome any more work in the bathroom that I currently have to perform….hmmmm
Manuel i am pro the beard as a proud owner of one myself, but for urself would it not be a bit of a security concern?
How many bearded waiters are there in Belfast?
Might make it easier for folks to rumble ur secret identity!! that’s why superman never grew one!
Jesus! Never thought of that…..shit mittens….
That beard net is just brilliant, and as Piewary, Anfearbui and fattikin have pointed out as to the colour of beards, just for men apparently works. You could even do a Billy Connolly and have it purple, for example:-
Wife:”You remember that waiter at the restaurant?”
Husband:”What waiter?”
Wife:”You know who, he told a few jokes and was unobtrusive during the meal”
Husband:”Not a clue who you’re talking about”
Wife:”He was really polite and brought the servings just at the right time”
Husband:”Who ARE you blabbering on about woman?”
Wife:”He had a purple beard”
Husband:”Ahh, yes, lovely fellow”
heh….purple beard…they really would think i was off my rocker if I did that….!
As a bearded bartender, I’m in the “pro” pile. Also, the Boston Waiters Alliance needs be resurrected, stat…
yes! and there should be worldwide chapters too….!
Manuel,make sure you get that fussy beard chopped off before you get into work. cant have it falling off into someones bloody soup. Im going to sharpen my hedge clippers and bring them into work, just in case. Bet you look like that Charlie Bronson mad man !
ARRGGH! [shrieks like a girl and runs to the bathroom!]
On the trimming point, there us only one gadget that you should have Manuel …
The Babyliss i-trimmer. About £30 in Argos.
whilst it has the important, “i” in the title it also has the disappointing “baby” in it too…if it was called the magnum i-trimmer then we could be on to something….!
or the Magnum P.itrimmer. Tom Selleck could endorse it. Who wouldn’t use that?
Bwahahahahaha! I’d buy it! I’d but two of them…one for me and one for Higgins!
Or you could compromise shave the beard and just go for the moustache – think Dirk Diggler. Dying it purple would give that whole Billy Connolly ironic thing.
Of course the tips will disappear but think of the blog posts.
Heh heh heh
I need the tips more than the laughs to be honest….!
The guy who seated us and took the cash in the Victoria Square branch of Pizza Express on Wednesday had a beard. Not a huge, wild, man-of-the-mountains beard, but it was a beard nonetheless. However… I think he may have been management. So the question is… do you want to look like management? Can facial hair arrangements for restarant staff be perceived as a rank signifier, like bewhiskered sergeant-majors in the army?
Oh, and the guy in the Coast Road Hotel in Carrick on Tuesday. Beard, ponytail and a couple of piercings, but absolutely delightful manner as always – top waiter, and yes, the beard means there’s never any question that he’s the same guy as last time… and tips have been topped in recognition…
On re-reading, I realise you’d asked “when did you last go out for a decent meal and get served by a chap with a trimmed, tidy, bit of facial decoration?”
So maybe Pizza Express and the Coast Road Hotel don’t count… (though neither were bad meals).
I think a waiter in the Lonely Poet has a beard. Or else he just reminded me a bit of Simon Pegg, I dunno which. Never seen a beard at The Merchant, mind.