Mange tout Manuel, Mange Tout….
If I was boss of the world, a position I often dream about when riding public transport, I would make many many changes that would make my life a less stabby place. For example the use of foreign phrases for no sane or logical reason when dining out would be outlawed immediately. IMMEDIATELY I tell you!
This bout of waiter related fascism was brought on by two instances of Irish people using foreign languages or accents when there was no need. And by using I mean mangling in the most ugliest way. It was all very .
The first case of the terrible Trotterisms was from a three top, they were all middle aged men with bad tans and an even worse taste in fashion. Flip flops? Whilst dining? With no beach for many miles? Not if I ruled the world matey. Clearly they were just back from a cultural holiday in Ibiza or Magaluf or one of those hideous hell holes that would have to drug me in a B.A. Baracus type way to get me to go to because I wouldn't go quietly.
"Now gents, can I get you something to drink?"
Smiling back up at me with his red lobster face that looked like the smacked ass of an S&M aficionado the chubbier of the three said, "Dos cervezas, por favor Meester Camarero!"
Ugh...I sighed with weariness. He would be at this el crapo all night if I didn't stamp on it immediately.
Not taking my eyes off my napkin cum order pad I replied with, "And the person not having beer, what do they want?"
There was silence. I was forced to look up at their angry tans. My god does nobody know how to use sun block? I mean how can you consider a colour, more suited to a sea dwelling crustacean, a good look? Eh?
Chubster, with his fat face smile weakening, replied for the group, "No...no mate we want thee beers. Dos cerveza mean thee beers."
As I probably explained before but "thee" is the Belfast pronunciation of the number three. If they cant master their own languages they shouldn't be allowed to use others. I paused for a moment wondering how to respond. If I went along with Chubster then I would look like the idiot and if I corrected him then he would look like the idiot and that's not something you really want to do to a guest. I was in a quandary folks.
"Eh dos means two, mate", fuck that. I'm not sucking up the idiot juice for him. As I wandered off his mates punched him on the shoulder and made, "Yeeeeoooow" type noises. I kept all other interactions with them to the minimum.
A while later and with the lobster boys suitably satisfied with their food I approached another table who seemed ready to order.
"Hmmm yes waiter, I wonder if you have the hor-eee-tho tart. I had it here a few months ago but I cant seem to see it on the menu."
Ugh, I sighed again. My brain was racing trying to work out just what the what was hor-eee-tho tart. We used to to do a prawn tart, but that wasn't it. We also used to do a goats cheese tart, but you wouldn't call goats cheese hor-eee-tho.
And then I twigged. The pompous little twerp was asking for chorizo. We did do a very lush chorizo tart. But we don't anymore. Trying to order off-menu is one thing but ordering something off-menu in a ridiculous Spanish accent that makes the simple Spanish sausage sound like it is Greek philosopher is very annoying.
"No sir, we do not do the CHOR-EEET-SO tart anymore. Maybe you would like to try the spicy PAY-PER tart"
Dick.
He had soup to start in the end.
Seriously when I am boss of the world these moments will end in tears, proper European type tears. And they wont be mine. Gordon save me from the Trotterisms of post holiday guests.
It's not fascism, it's just good sense.
The one Belfast mispronunciation is ba sketti (spaghetti)enough to make me crave blood. Fuck sake 2 year olds can say it properly.
Ha ha ha ha! I cant stop laughing at that…oh and don’t forget “cris”instead of crisps….drives me bonkers…
The only other one I can think of is when I went to storm cinemas at the odyssey, I asked for nachos with cheesy dip and was asked did i want “ja lappy noses” with it, turned them down only for misstaxidriver to point out they where jalapeños!!!
bwahahahaha! I was in a leisure centre, once, when I overheard one chap ask his chum to pass him a tarl…not a towel, a tarl…
sweet mary sunshine, sugar! and here i was thinkin’ yankees sounded funny! ;~) xoxoxoxoxo
oh in this town we mangle most words….and languages…
Oh dear god, I didn’t realize people got on like that on purpose. My condolences. It’s bad enough here where you get the tourists in a place where near everyone speaks a bit of Spanish at least, and then you get someone ordering fajitas in a restaurant and thinking “fajita” rhymes with “vagina.” I am so glad I was not the person serving, I was snorting like a pig I was laughing so hard. Bad of me and undoubtedly impolite, but it caught me off guard.
ha! It’s hard not to laugh/stab….ha….good to see you dude…
Some people make me despair for humanity. That ‘thee’ bollocks upsets me too. It’s clearly THUH-REE!
ha!
Morons. I waited tables for a summer once around 10 years ago at this stage and there was one guy that would always order the foie gras in the most ridiculous French accent I’ve ever heard. Pure Cork like in every other facet of his accent.
Also he did that horrible “air scribbling on my palm while my nose sticks in the air” motion for the cheque.
international restaurant sign language makes me and the baby jesus sad….I feel a post coming on…actually would make a better comic strip/post….
i detest fake accent attempts of any language but really makes me bonkers when its a fake accent of their own language. just say it already i don’t think it cute you asking anything of me in english with a shit mexican (english/irish/spanish/any language) accent ffs!!!! i don’t have that kinda time to waste! there is blogging to read!
damn straight!
sits down, orders an eXpresso and some horse doors
and probably not for the first time…..[shakes fist, sneezes in coffee]
Once again I refer you to your contract: Clause 1 subsection 3, which clearly states : NO MEMBER OF WAITING STAFF WILL EVER REACH OR ASPIRE TO BECOMING BOSS.
After all I did’nt get where I am today by wanting to be a boss, it just sort of happened in my case, I think the brown envelopes & the dodgy photographs helped though !
Maybe it would work for you too, I can let you have a camera at a nice price !
I aspire only to being boss of the world….maybe a continent, but nothing less….
Which world had you in mind ? I believe Mercury is going cheap at the moment, but its a bugger to get to, only three buses a day !
I’ll take any right now. Didn’t they discover a new one today? I’ll have that. I have diabolical plans….mostly involving nougat and the complete works of Leonard Cohen….
I think you need a holiday !
I think I need a kingdom!
You really do have soup-related issues. Had the gentleman decided on salad instead of the chorizo tart, would you have made mention? Soup is extremely nutritious you know, as long as the salt content isn’t too high. I suggest you re-evaluation your prejudice.
Why don’t you do the chorizo tart anymore? It sounds delicious.
never…..My prejudices are here to stay…soup? the cheap, easy option of the no brainer….
Also Soup is a bollocks when you’re in the middle of a busy service and there are no sideplates/Bread/Croutons/Green shit (supposed to be herbs). And Soup is rarely nutritious in most restaurants it’s what didn’t get used yesterday.
‘Fadka’ is my favourite Belfastism.
gi us a fadkacoke…..classy old town…
Random items for them. Followed with a smile and apologies in a German accent for poor Spanfast skills
totally….!
Surely the worst norn iron mispronounciations come in the form of car makes…
PEEEUUU JOTE
REN ALT
What about that old fave “Safe a dee” other wise known as safety. Like nails down a blackboard makes me cringe.
it’s a god un!
I blame Julian on the UdatTV…..
Ler quanto, erm, bill-o per favour, grassyarse.
arf….!
In Derry recently a fella beside me used the word ‘…bibble-tee..’, I nearly calved. ‘Would you bibble-tee pass me the menu. Naw, jus th’wan thanx’
The bel’fast ‘thee’ really winds me up – thown out they should be! ‘Oh Mammy!’ is another one, especially when screamed by an overweight 40 something Milly when she realises the steak tartar is not going to be thown on the pan any time soon.
Pablo, comment of the year! I have been finding reasons to use bibble-tee since I read this….
I had to read that out loud to myself 2 or 3 times before I twigged….One day I shall visit Belfast and thanks to you I may ‘bibble-tee’ communicate with the natives, if only on a crude level.
Moncle Joefus loves bisketti, so he does.
loves it….!
Drat.
The flip-flop scourge.
Now I see them marketed at women to tone the ass.
As if.
they are evil in plastic form…
Actually, my Nordie Mammy says cakalog (think Argos & you can figure it out) and feranda (verandah… not that we have one!)
ha! yea yeah I bet you do….
It’s for that reason I hate the word ‘croissant’… there’s just no middle ground to comfortably not be a wanker in.
that, is a very good point K8……! obviously asking for a crescent shaped pastry is a bit fucking daft too…..it’s a tough old world we live it…