The devil makes work for idle waiters…
Ahoy hoy readers!
(Someone sent me an email the other day which began with that greeting, I’ve used it about 500 times since then. Nautical greetings are quite delightful I find. Somalian pirates aside)
So Friday night was a queer one at the good ship Jolly Restaurant. All the waiter mateys and chums of waiter mateys (that’s enough of the sailory type references -Little Miss Manuel) were in a funny mood. The place was set and we were ready to set sail, anchors were raised and the poop deck was ship shape. (Fucking stop it, now – Little Miss Manuel). All that was missing was the guests. There was a veritable dearth of guests and more importantly the valuable cash they may or may not have stuffed into my sweaty palm.
A strange mood swept the place and the waiters contained therein.
Some were moody (me), some disinterested (waiter chum the smaller) and some were counting the minutes to closing so they could get to the bar for refreshing beverages. It was all rather discombobulating I must say. Discombobulating and no mistake. But after a bit of pointless pacing my mood changed, as it is known to do on a minute to minute basis, from irascible grouch about town to jolly jape monkey. For example…
The door opened and in strode a rather perplexed looking chap, maybe he knew he was far off the beaten track seeing as he was dressed in casual sports wear [you should read that in the same way I have typed it, with extreme disdain the sort only reserved for kiddy fiddlers, rapists and people who insists on having their hollandaise sauce served on the side only for them to pout it over their fish within seconds of being served]
“Can I help you sir?’, asks I as I ran my eye over him from the top of his peaked Adidas hat to the soles of his supermarket knock off trainers.
“I’m just looking for somebody mate”, says the young gent come potential car thief.
Now, my chums standing only a few feet away knew what was coming next. The manager who, quite by accident I assume, found himself perilously close to the restaurant floor knew what was coming next. Honestly dear readers if you had been there you would have known what was about to come next. And like a tiger in a cage roaring at a drunk man who has taken the wrong turn in the zoo whilst trying to find the bathrooms, I duly delivered.
“Trying to find someone sir? Aren’t we all!”
There were groans from the peanut gallery. Heh. It’s A Manuel classic.
He looked at me as if I was a mentalist and turned on his steeky white heels and promptly beat a hasty retreat without venturing any further. Good times.
But, the gently whimsy wasn’t over. Not two minutes later but I found myself at the door again and again I was facing a chap on his own. This was not some young cad or indeed bounder, this was a bonafide gent. He looked almost dapper in his three quarter length coat and fetching brown cardigan and vintage, proper vintage to boot none of your Top Shop knock offs for this squire, brown satchel. He was like a not quite right Albert Einstein look-a-like.
I approached him with my happy to see you, to see you nice, face. But before I could greet him with a warm and almost genuine hello he hit me with,
“I am alone”. And he raised a solitary and quite depressing single finger. Oh my!
Now, all my waiter chums and chums of waiters were still in the same positions as before. They looked at the me, then at the man, and then back to me…
“You are alone? How sad…!”
The sound of laughter being stifled nearly had me laughing out loud, like the kids do.
Thankfully the chap was a tourist, Italian I think, and he didn’t get my gentle ribbing.
Good times, well maybe not good times but the devil truly does make work for idle and bored waiters.
Saturday though was a day free from mirth, whimsy or ribbing, gentle or otherwise…
25 Comments → “The devil makes work for idle waiters…”
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Ahoy hoy, doesn’t Mr Burns say that? I think he indeedally doodally does.
yes! yes he does….! arf!
They tried to stifle their laughter? Why oh why? Laughter should never be stifled. Let the giggles burst forth, I say…..
But now you’ve gone and got me all curious. What happened on Saturday?!?
you’ll see….put it like this i’m lucky to be here…..
have you written down your series of stock answers, just in case the staff needs them in your absence?
no! it’s about delivery….not just the lines…
Yes, otherwise how will the staff know that when a customer says “I feel like soup today” , the correct response is actually: “Really? You don’t look like soup, Sir.”
hah….but still…no
Ah i hate these cliffhangers.. Saturday must have been much more interesting!
lower those expectations….
This will go on my list of reasons why one should dress well.
Waiters will be nicer.
it’s so very very true….!
“Inform HQ in Rome that planned meeting of deep undercover agent spide with his handler foiled by the league of waiters” weapons verbal, look withering.
hahahahaha…..7 points for that one…
As soon as I read “I am alone” some song lyrics popped into my head, and the only thing I could think about as I read the rest of your post was “behold the mystery that is me” – ah They Might Be Giants.
they passed over me to be fair….it; was all Nirvana and Soundgarden back then for me…
Ahoy hoy was the earliest greeting used on the telephone. It was favoured by Alexander Graham Bell, but Edison preferred Hello, which eventually became the common form of greeting.
And I happened to use it in my Sunday post, oddly enough. Great minds, eh?
great/twisted minds indeed….!
The hours must have flown by that night !
I could hear my hair growing….!
I hesitate to point it out, but if you haven’t experienced the English (pirate) language option on Facebook, it’s worth a gander.
I have….it was fun for about a week…
Dont know who i feel most sorry for the potential car thief or the poor lonely old sod
me….you feel sorry for me….!