Never go to a second location with a guest….never!
As a jobbing waiter one doesn’t spend a lot of time considering ones personal safety. We aren’t considered targets, legitimate or otherwise. Sure, the chefs get a little angsty from time to time and if you don’t have your wits about you when you’re in the kitchen complaining about this, that and the six portions of garlic bread that were meant to be soup you can end up with a stock pot on the side of your pretty face. But chefs, like terrorist, be they international or local, can be avoided.
But on Saturday night I was forced to consider my own personal safety whilst dealing with what seemed at first an adorable two top. In they arrived at about half seven, without a reservation I should add. They were one of those sorts of couple who walk everywhere with their hands in their partners back pockets. I’ve tried this, Little Miss Manuel went buck daft and warned me about boundaries and personal space. To be honest it wasn’t very comfortable, the walking with hands in partners pocket that is.
Anyhoo in they sashayed, full of love and dreamy winks. Now they didn’t get the greatest table in the restaurant sandwiched as it was between the cutlery station and a table of ten but they didn’t seem to notice or care. Love does that, blinds you to the important things such as good table positioning and how ridiculous you look when walking down the street looking for all the world like the Siamese twins that made it.
Stupid love.
They were chatty and pleasant and I suppose they were easy to deal with. The only exception being that every time I tried to serve them their food or drinks I had to wait for them to unlock their clasped hands. It was cute at first but a whole lot less fucking cute when trying to serve their mains. The bloody plate had slipped off the service cloth and was now burning into my arm. I swear I yelped as I finally got them to let each other go.
If I had to choose another gripe about them it would have been that they couldn’t shut the fuck up. Oh my god, it went on and on and on. By the time their mains were served I knew that they had recently got engaged, that the ring didn’t fit but was back in the jewellers to get altered, that they had an engagement party to go to the next day….without the ring OH MY GOD!, that it was his birthday and that it had been her birthday a few weeks ago and that’s when he popped the question.
I was exhausted coming up with ways to respond to all this information. I should have phoned LMM to give them a little chat about boundaries etc. Heh.
They were so nice, so very very nice that I just couldn’t bring myself to angry Manuel them. I just bet they do volunteer work. They looked the sort.
But then matters took a turn for the strange.
I had just served his birthday ice cream complete with candle and sang happy birthday when the lady of the table called me back over.
“You’re really lovely. We were just talking about how really lovely you are”
Heh, you should see me on a Monday morning with my hairy teeth and desire to kill dead things.
“Awh thank you folks”, says I wondering where this was going. It felt like it was going somewhere.
She continued, “And what do you do when you’re not working? Where do you go after work? We where just wondering if….”
**ALARM BELLS**
I had a flash back to my earliest days when I was warned by my head waiter, the mercurial Eddie, about why you should never go to a second location with somebody you’ve just served or have a history of serving. He was old school and believed that there was a line that shouldn’t be blurred. I wasn’t worried about lines being blurred, more that my vision would be blurred as they slipped something into my wine.
I did not want to go with them after work. I did not want to meet them after work. I didn’t want to join their love cult and wait for the joyous arrival of Blargon from planet Hippyistan in the vulva galaxy so that we could all commit suicide. Their shoes suggested suicide love cult membership.
I waffled, I waffled and jibber jabbered like my life depended on it. Their little faces were a picture of disappointment.
Heh, I’m nobodies suicide/love cult gimp.
Not again.
23 Comments → “Never go to a second location with a guest….never!”
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You sing happy birthday? Can you see my raised eyebrow from the other side of Belfast?
Yes, yes I do….I do it with gusto too….I am the restaurant’s go-to man for the happy birthday singing etc…it’s quite tragic, but i really will do anything for money….anything….heh
c’mon… you know you want to go to the wedding! free meal! potentially open bar! and the opportunity to make fun of them some more!
hell no!
a customer did invite me to their wedding once….but they were bonkers….made mel gibson look like a stand up guy….!
That’s the kind of couple that most likely would’ve held you captive in their basement. All cutesy on the outside, but with cold black hearts. Good thing you didn’t go
yes my thoughts exactly….!
Don’t forget, they’ll ask you to stop at a cash machine because “you’ll need some money for the night”.
ooooh crikey mummy…..!
They wanted you to go out with them? There is only one explanation.
Clearly, they are one of those couples that are so sickly sweet in their love for one another that all their friends decided they can’t deal with it anymore and stopped speaking to them long ago.
The end result being that they have an engagement party tomorrow and nobody except their parents, siblings and the weird uncle is going to be there.
Thats where Manuel the ‘lovely’ waiter comes in. They convince you to go out with them, get your guard down, and before you know it you’ve agreed to attend said engagement party, and spend the day trying to get away from her drunk mother.
Your warning bells have served you well…..
plus I scare easy….
For a minute I thought you were going to say that you went with them!
a younger, more impressionable Manuel would have….
cute as they may be they are just the type i want to smack up side the head..especially when they are stuck together blocking the exit on the bus, they don’t realize the danger they are in when i want off NOW its my stop i’m late for work SHIFT IT and GET A ROOM..whew there that feels better
it’s always good to vent….it’s both sickening and impractical
That was creepy before they asked.
Wasn’t it the Saxons and Vikings who used to sacrifice slaves to serve them in the afterlife…The second location might have been a trawler at carrickfergus, and you would have needed the ATM money for petrol.
they did have the look of norse types….!
some freaky 3some eeeek how weird would that be.
it wouldn’t have been like the ones in my head….
Can you give me their phone number? & dont say you did’nt get it !
hahahahaha….no, no I didn’t…
This reminds me of the scene in League of Gentlemen when Papa Lazarou first appears. Frightening stuff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XM9x5tefjcY&feature=related
well spotted old boy….!