My Liz Lemon moment…!
Sunday, oh Sunday. Bloody hell.
So there was a cruise ship docked and the delightful passengers were allowed off and into Belfast for four hours. They got it down from eight. Heh. We filled up pretty quickly with Italians, Americans, Aussies, more Yanks and a Canadian couple who were far too jolly for 12pm on a Sunday. I couldn't handle them such was their positive attitude and over reaction to every little thing. It's a jug of regular tap water there big fella not the holy sweat of Mon Dieu, Eric Cantona.
Anyhoo, and if you don't cringe when you read this then there's something wrong with you, I seated a lovely couple on one of the nicer tables about a half hour into service. They were African Americans. Having freed myself from the interrogation of all things Belfast related by the Canadians two tables over I was ready to serve some nice folks, calmer folks.
They were perusing the Sunday lunch menu when I wandered up to their table. We talked about soup and just exactly what champ was and I managed to get a drink order too. All fine, no problems, no diplomatic incidents so far. I brought them back down their juices and took their food order. All very fine, no issues to report. Now, what I should have done was say thank you and go ring up the order but why would I do that? Me? Oh no, no I had to make things complicated. I decided to strike up a conversation.
"So...", begins I, "...are you just off the boat?"
I smiled and waited to be regaled with exciting stories about life on the sea....okay with stories and shuffleboard and quoits and dinner at the Captain's table. That's not what I got.
"Excuse me? Did you just ask me was I just off the boat?"
The man was gripping the table from both sides. His demeanour was decidedly scary. He looked like he could lift the table and crack me with it in one swift, angry movement.
"Am I...just off the boat? Is that what you asked me?" His wife's eyes were as wide as saucers.
I broke out in a cold sweat, which to be honest didn't mix well with the warm sweat that was already soaking my brow. His anger confused me at first and then I twigged, it's a racial slur of sorts, just of the boat. Oh crikey mummy how do I get myself into these situations? I have every Public Enemy album, I have read Malcolm X's biography and I routinely tick people off for their casual racism at work. I shout at that fat oaf Nick Griffen every time his ghastly wobbly face appears on TV and I love Spike Lee. Sake.
"Eh yeah...yeah the cruise ship that's just arrived...?", said I sounding like the whitest man alive for the second time in weeks.
"Hmmm, cruise ship...", replied the man in a very skeptical tone. He looked me up and down, taking in every inch of my trembling being. He fixed his gaze on me, honestly I was seconds away from hearing the brown noise of failure such was nervousness, when he cracked a big smile, laughed and gave me a punch on the shoulder. I took this as a friendly gesture.
"No...", boomed the man, "...I'm working in Belfast for a month or two. So there's a cruise ship in is there?"
Obviously after that faux pas I wasn't taking any chances and swapped sections with Waiter Chum the Small.
I'm not talking to anybody anymore.
Fuck that for a game of quoits...
Christ. I near keeked myself on your behalf just *reading* that.
Still, a mate of mine, who has a rather strange habit of tapping people on the shoulder and going “Que que que?” once did that to the entire lineup of Jurassic 5.
You could have heard a pin drop.
you’d think that would make me feel better….but it really doesn’t…
i hope he’s not a member of the diplomatic corp, sugar! :~) xoxoxoxo
knowing my luck he probably was….!
Oh God…cringe…I think I’m actually blushing for you after reading that.
I will burn red for months…..
Eeep! I cringe for you Manuel.
thank you for sharing in my pain….
for the innocent questions its like a ticking bomb..i feel for you on that one..oh ya..get off the boat..whew…
but isn’t it…..!
Ah well, it could have been worse Manuel. he could have been an undercover judge looking for participants in the waiter factor or summat.
yeah…brilliant….thanks, that helps…..
Sigh, more Canuck bashing, double sigh.
it’s not canuck bashing…it’s super duper happy people who happened to be from Canada bashing….there’s a difference…
Nothing like offending the ethnic minority’s for embarrassed, but i can beat you hands down i managed to offend one of only 200 Jews left in northern Ireland without speaking!!
There’s more than 200 Jews in Belfast. They don’t appreciate ashtray jokes, no fuckin’ sense of humour…
not twitter….terrible
It was a long time ago, shamed to this day I am.
just read that….eek
and a Canadian couple who were far too jolly for 12pm on a Sunday.
We can get on your nerves that way.
lovely most of the time but not on a sunday….too tired for all that happiness…
Manuel stood on the burning deck, his anxious face all a quiver !
From out of the misty west he did espy a boat, coming up the river.
He did ponder what this would portend & with furrowed brow he lingered.
Would this be the making of him, or would he be cruely fingered ?
Alas & alack! his worse fears came to pass, in a blur it all came to a head !
Defeated & dazed he made a swift retreat,his face a blazing red !
hahaha, that’s it perfectly…
Christ that made me laugh. I’d cringe for you Manuel but it’s brightened up my morning. Next time I see you I must tell you about my Sarah Palin gaffe.
nice….looking forward to that then…
CRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGE! Oh God the cringe! *cringes*
i am the cringe master…
Manuel, sounds like this: may be useful in your dealings with the various nationalities that come your way.
what? and miss out on blog gold? hehehe
Just off the boat…you might as well have thrown in Darkie for good measure.
I presume you’re installing a hole and fireman’s pole to the ground floor for quick exits next time.
could have done with yer man’s emergency exit….and a beer…
Ah Manuel,
don’t worry, it was probably some restaurant reviewer . . . or tv exec scouting for talent for some of them waiter factor shows.
grrrrrr
A dashed decidedly awkward momment my dear fellow,but,have you paused to reflect and consider the alternative?
Did the chap’s knuckles stand out pale against the table as he gripped it?Did he snort at any stage in the conversation? Did his cheek muscles twitch? Could you notice if his buttocks were clenched? And finally,and most importantly,did his nostrils quiver?
If any three of these signs were in evidence,you may have been dealing with a bally homicidal maniac.
You got off lighty my dear fellow,very lightly indeed.
oooooh you’re bad….
Well it’s not your fault blacks were sent over to America on slave ships a few hundred years ago. And it’s not your problem someone chooses to get offended by a comment that had no other meaning implied.
If that had been me I’d have been signing on the dole the next day.