Here Missus, do you want gravy wi that?
I'm an old school sort of chap when it comes to the waiting of tables.
I serve from the left and clear from the right.
I present the wine before opening it and always serve the host last.
I talk about the guests behind their backs and I make snooty remarks about their food/drink combinations. Haddock and Shiraz, how uncouth.
I say 'thank you' when you tip me with brown money like you have just written me a cheque for a thousand big ones and then rip the back out of you before you have even left the building.
Sometimes when you shaft me badly I hope you crash on the way home and are horribly disfigured.
I'm an old school waiter. I cut my waiting teeth in the halcyon days of the eighties, a decade when 1950's service was still the rage.
I don't think I could change even if I wanted to, which I don't.
I call men 'sir' and women 'madam'. All men, all women. Every time, without exception. I even refer to the little people, children not dwarfs, as little sirs and little madams.
This is why I struggled so much with the woman on table 12 who snapped at me when I called her madam.
"Stop it! I'm not some grand old dame from the 1800's"
I nearly made the brown noise. I wasn't sure what to do so I apologised.
"Eh, sorry mada...sorry missus"
Missus? Did I really say Missus? Oh, dearie me. I was, as I'm sure you understand, mortified. The woman wasn't best pleased either as indicated by her incredulous and withering look from across the table. My confidence was shattered. I simply couldn't think of another moniker to use when speaking to the woman. I couldn't get past the word madam, well that and the unfortunate Missus. I sounded like the workman's boy. "Oh yes Missus, we'll fix yer chimney and no mistake" [tugs hat, slaps thigh and walks off whistling]
In the end I dithered every time I had reason to speak to her and just structured sentences so that I could call her, 'you' or I spoke to the whole table. I was in a frightful state.
I know 'madam' is a bit formal but I've been using it since the very day I started down this road they calling waiting. I cant stop using it. Please dear reader, gimme some other options other than Madam or Missus that I can deploy when talking to women at work that don't make me sound like a pompous ass or a character from a PG Wodehouse novel.
If anybody needs me I'll be reading Germaine Greer and admonishing myself...and not in the good way.
Hi, love the blog, I waitressed for nearly seven years through school and college, and I’m a Sir/Madam-er too. Only problem is, I’m in the healthcare sector now, and I sometimes still do it when addressing patients if I don’t know their name. They think I’m being sarcastic – one woman complained I called her Madam!
hey thanks…you cant please all the people all the time eh….
More wine, you silly, crunchy old cow?
it passed my mind…
I was going to offer a number of choice suggestions but honestly? I think daisyfae just nailed it!
she does that
I once served a woman from Louiseana who, in a perfect Scarlet O’Hara drawl pronounced ‘Where I come from hun, madam is a job title’. Cless
simply fantastic….
Can’t think of anything more appropriate than Madam. Of course some Madams are sour oul’ (unts but I’m sure you you reappraised that yourself as soon as her arse wafted out the door.
indeed….
leave it blank, as in, will that be all? instead of will that be all madam or as applied to the sir, medium rare? instead of medium rare sir… seems thats how it goes now a days. personally i like the sir and madams i’m not offended being called a madam i associate it with class…and if it does remind me of the other madam? flattered really, i’m a sexy madam that chap just said so, okay i insert the sexy part myself. oh dear i said insert..i’ll just stop now shall i..oh oh dear.
yes but I have a sense of class and occasion….maybe I am from the 1800′s…
you know what, sugar? don’t change, continue to address your customers as “sir” or “madam” and don’t even let that boorish clod of a woman detract from your sense of style and correct service. in fact, perhaps, like a scene from an old movie, you could say, “of course, madame, as you wish, madame. and if madame would be so kind as to instruct me as to how she would prefer to be addressed, i will endeavor to do so. thank you, madame.”
or something…
or go with miss daisy’s suggestion.
xoxoxoxxo
you’re right as always Savannah…
adress her in the proper Belfast Fashion “Wat can ah get ye, love!”
It’s a lovely idea….probably get away with it too…
or call her “miss” and all her dining companions will laugh at your wit, at her expense…
arf!
How about:
“Terribly sorry, how would you prefer me to address you?” There is the additional (sarcastic obviously) tag of: “Unfortunately, I do not know your (full) name, we have not been properly introduced.” And then, if using the additional line, glare accusingly around the table at the individual’s dining companion(s) as though it is their fault this appalling faux pas has occurred and they are clearly all guilty of the gross negligence, not you!
Whaddya think?
Super blog by the way Manuel or would you prefer I call you Mr Waiter?
ha, Manuel is fine….thanks dude…
@belfastplatecarrier.
Cless indeed. Tears. Tripping. Me.
don’t encourage him…
I never liked using ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am’ (the American version of madam) because they seemed to elevate the customers above myself in a weird class thing.
In groups I addressed the men as ‘guys’ and the women as ‘ladies’ and individually as simply ‘you,’ as in ‘what would you like this evening?’
I do that with younger tables….horses for courses and all that
Oh, and ‘folks’ was something I said a great deal while waiting tables/ tending bar. I still say it. There’s something about it that feels egalitarian.
I use it too but it does sound frightfully Presbyterian
Friday night my beloved and I had a rare dinner out (sans children, of course), and the waiter kept calling us “Sweetie” and “Big Guy”. Kept me giggling, and my beloved had a bigger steak and a few more beers than usual in an attempt to prove his manliness.
big guy? crikey….!
How about “Kunt” make sure you emphasise the K or there could be trouble….
no…probably pass on that
My Dear chap,there are two ways you can go with uppity rotters of this calibre.
One being,you can let their snooty comments knaw away at your soul,untill you reach the point where you feature prominently in News Broadcasts that end with the tag-line…..”Before finally turning the gun on himself”.
Or,you can be quided by me,a fellow well used to meeting bounders of all descriptions over many years.
I would advise you,that when you encounter a similar customer of this ilk,ramp up the obsequious levels,everytime you approach the table,do so in a cringing servile half-crouch,wilting before her like a wet sock.Fawn over every request with simpering platitudes.
In essence, what you are doing is embarrassing the cad out of the place,and such will be her desire to leave hurriedly from under the laughing eyes of the proletariat. That you will have her shoveling the food in with two forks going simultaneously,like two oily engineers feeding a furnace!
That’s the way to go,my Dear fellow,that’s the way.
ah the ol grin fuck/kill with kindness routine….day one at waiter school…
How about substituting the word “Madam” for “Fatty”?
I’ll put that on the maybe file
Dont call you Madam what ever you say Mistress (while lisping followed by limping away while bent double)
arf
What serving her street style “Yo B,itch what you want”
another one for the maybe pile…
I was gonna go with “Whad’ya need, beeyotch?” But I think Daisyfae pretty much nailed it.
so harsh!
“Stop it! I’m not some grand old dame from the 1800′s” Her attitude certainly hasn’t aged well.
clearly…!
Long day….wil definitely respond properly tomorrow….carry on…
Fibber.
been somewhat busy for the last few days…..I hate people more now after that weekend…
I used to work at the Outback so Sir and Madam were a bit formal for the relaxed *ahem* ‘Aussie’ atmosphere… I do remember one slightly camp (but not gay) colleague who used to address tables full of men as ‘sweetie’ or ‘muffin’. It used to go down a lot better then you might expect.
Ah Outback where they hose the floors down rather than mop…hehehehe