Ask Manuel – The problem with “miserly shirkers…”

 

A reader writes...

Manuel,

I am a huge fan and have been for a while, my long-suffering colleague and food freak put me onto the blog a couple of years back.

If you ever get a moment I'd like some tipping advice please.

I tip, I hope, adequately for regular service and heavy for good service.

Unfortunately some people I've had the displeasure of dining with do not consider same.

I wish to oust these miserly shirkers for the cunts they are at every opportunity, and to ensure that I am not also a blowhard that can't smell their own shit... please settle, what is a good for a diner, a middle of the road spot, and an upmarket place?

I love all three at different times, is there a difference? Lastly, should the tip be separated for the wine waiter or do you sort that among yourselves?

I'm just genuinely interested, if you have the time I'd love any hints. Anon if you like; and just so I can stir my own internal discontent with the detritus. If not please link me to a site or place that'll let me sleep.

Many thanks,

One love,

Name withheld, obviously - he called his mates miserly shirkers and cunts FFS.

And by the by, that's how I like letters and emails addressed to me to start - with greetings, salutations and praise. It beats, 'Here you're so full of shit you probably smell of shit and drip shit from every pore  blah blah blah'. Why just this evening I got an email that addressed me as, "Fruit caix..."

Family can be so cruel.

Anyhoo, less about me. [that would be nice - Little Miss Manuel]

So your mates are tighter than a gnat's chuff eh. I'll tell you what I told another fella some time back...

Tipping is a vexed issue for some people. Not me, I say if it feels right, do it. That's also my, "putting your hand into holes" policy. So you take your chums out for dinner but you don't want to spring for the tip. Tight wad. But then again so are your chums. I see this sort of malarkey on a regular basis. Some chump pays the bill, assumes one of the people he has just bought din dins for will get the tip, but they assume chump got the tip and ultimately keep their short arms in their long pockets. So the waiter gets stiffed. It's all very annoying and quite avoidable with just a little shame.

That's right shame. Lovely lovely shame.

You have to shame your chums into leaving the tip. Be as bold as  brass, tell them you got the bill so they get they tip. And by the way seeing as you paid for dinner they should leave a generous tip, in cash preferably. Credit card tips are always fine, no waiter is going to turn them down but cash is always preferable. We waiters really are the dodgy dealers of the hospitality industry and will suck in our cheeks and make tutting noises if you add it on to the card. But it's better than not getting tipped, especially when you know you deserve it.

Tips are handled in different ways from restaurant to restaurant. Some are divvied out by management via the much hated point system. This is a system so dodgy and corrupt that even the management at Enron or even Bonkers Bernie Madoff would think twice before getting involved. Some managers, the good sort, take nothing to do with tips citing a 'don't ask don't tell policy'. In this instance tips are either kept by the waiters working the section and then others are tipped out to, people such as the glorious dishwasher chap or the delightful bar chum. We pool our tips and take equal cuts, because we are very red like that. So in other words, just tip the waiter that served you and it should find it's way round all the appropriate staff.

Now when it comes to judging the service and the waiter and how much you should leave that's a harder question. In the good old Us of A they leave a percentage of the bill. Which is a lovely idea that some folk over here have adopted. That said I do find 3% to be an insult. Most service charges in this country are in the range of 10 to 15%, so use that as your guide. But it's difficult to tell people how and what they should tip. Like I say if it feels right, do it.

And then double it.

I hope that helps.

I despise people with tipping policies they are self-indulgent, insecure, entitlement junkies looking for an excuse not to tip.

Ask Manuel, I always know you know...