And this is why Manuel is glad he never followed through and applied for a job on a cruise boat way back in the day… Also looks a bit like invisible waiter goes on rampage. Heh. Shit times… Spotted via Fattakin…

Birthday’s eh. No matter age you are don’t we all just love getting a little gift and maybe a cake and is there anything nicer than your friends and family gathering round you to sing ‘Happy Birthday’? I’m sure the chap that was taken out for lunch last week by his work colleagues thought much [...]

Well that weekend was all a bit humdrum and if I may be so bold, tedious. It’s not that it wasn’t busy, because it was. But it was all just a frightful bore fest. Thank Jehovah for rude guests and their mind blowingly irritating ways. First up was a Scandinavian Jazz chap on Thursday night. [...]

As a younger waiter I was, as I have mentioned before a bit of a Goth but also a bit of an indie kid and I liked the heavy metal stylings of Slayer and the hippity hop of Public Enemy and Eric B. and Rakim. In many respects I was unclassifiable. Classification was important back [...]

Chuffy wins. Congratulations to Chuffy and hard luck to Dingus. The winning poem, again, MANUEL WATCHES WHILE HE WAITS Some Waiters’ fill out their little black books With orders for drinky-poo’s and other things, They talk about the weather and things to do. Hoping the diners tip like foolish Kings. But, our Manuel’s strange and [...]

We had a table of chaps in for dinner the other night. Nice enough fellas I suppose despite their collective fondness for wine coloured sweater and shirts with garish stripes. These were chaps away from home but despite that they seemed to keep their hands and their eyes to themselves, not that I was a [...]

Right lets get this settled once and for all… In the Dandy gentleman’s corner fighting out of the 1800′s we have Lord ‘Chuffy’ Chuffington MANUEL WATCHS WHILE HE WAITS Some Waiters’ fill out their little black books With orders for drinky-poo’s and other things, They talk about the weather and things to do. Hoping the [...]

I woke up on Monday morning feeling less than chirpy. My usual six hours of gentle repose interspersed with manic dreams and fear filled sweats hadn’t shifted the pain of the previous day nor had it recharged my batteries. I lay there, grumbling cussing my bad luck and wondering what’s the point anymore. Sunday at [...]

Over the last few weeks you will have noticed comments from Dingus taking the form of rhyming poetry. Now I’m not particularly fond of poetry but then again I’m not adverse to the occasional jocular and short rhyme. Emphasis on the word short. Having to read a thousand words on the fragility of the human [...]

Now, as a waiter there is nothing more infuriating and likely to have you reaching for the stabbing fork more than being stiffed. Not getting your just reward, especially when you know you deserve it and haven’t just gone through the motions, is a kick in the kahunas. I wish so many bad things on [...]

I’m an old school sort of chap when it comes to the waiting of tables. I serve from the left and clear from the right. I present the wine before opening it and always serve the host last. I talk about the guests behind their backs and I make snooty remarks about their food/drink combinations. [...]

I am a very pro-wildlife sort of chap. I’m all for listening to the birds chirp chirping and is there anything more joyful than watching rabbits and their on-steroids cousins, the hare, frolicking about in distant fields? And what sort of world would it be if we didn’t have lions and tigers and badgers and [...]

La la la la laa la la I was humming to myself as I sashayed and swished round my section on Sunday afternoon. Both my sashaying and indeed swishing has become easier of late what with having lost a full fatty stone in weight in the last six maybe seven weeks. C’mon! Take that doubters, [...]

When not schlepping plates, walking up and obviously back down mountains, maintaining this place, attending to the lunacy and indeed machinations of the Dear Cousin, whispering sweet nothings into the ear of Little Miss Manuel I spend my free time writing the-book-that-will-be-finished. It’s writing at a slow pace punctuated with spurts of positive activity. Much [...]

Some people will do anything to get out of paying the bill. Take last week, or was it the week before? I don’t know any more, all the days run into one – wait, wait, wait grumble grumble grumble. Anyhoo I had a table a week or maybe two weeks ago. They seemed a nice [...]

Sunday, oh Sunday. Bloody hell. So there was a cruise ship docked and the delightful passengers were allowed off and into Belfast for four hours. They got it down from eight. Heh. We filled up pretty quickly with Italians, Americans, Aussies, more Yanks and a Canadian couple who were far too jolly for 12pm on [...]

Friday was the 13th and we had a table of 13 reserved for dinner. Crikey. As it was it all went swimmingly well. Nobody died, not a constant worry I should add, and nobody made threats or had to be warned about current and future conduct. So that was a win for sure. Twenty four [...]

The man braced himself at the foot of the mountain. The wind, blowing hard through the overhead cables made an ominous sound, a chilling soundtrack. It unnerved him some but shaking it off he pulled his jacket tighter and fixed his hat. He would conquer the mountain this day. No more would he be defeated. [...]

My, the insults are coming in thick and fast at the moment. It’s like being at home. It was Monday night and all was jolly. The guests I had all seemed to be out for special reasons, birthdays, anniversaries, the death of a long time friend and dog (there are no cakes or songs that [...]

I love this story from yesterdays Guardian. Full story here… And they arrested him? Charged him with criminal mischief? My ass! He should be carried through the streets on the shoulders of his peers. People should name their children after him and parents should use him to scare their kids into being quiet in restaurants [...]

Why must people speak to me? Seriously, why? I mean outside of the normal waiter-guest relationship there should be an understanding that we just don’t talk to each other. Of course one has to grease the wheels of our temporary relationship with pointless small talk and mentions of the weather. I understand, nay, I welcome [...]

My heart skipped on Saturday morning when I came across a particular snippet of news. Normally when my heart skips a beat it is as a result of something adult having being whispered into my ear by the delightful Little Miss Manuel or as the result of a large dinner. But this was different, it [...]

The good people at The Huffington Post have produced a list of restaurant tipping protocol around the world. Obviously they haven’t included Ireland in their list, which is fine, you know, whatever.  Ten to fifteen percent is super for super service in this country but there is no upper limit, obviously. If you don’t like [...]

It was Tuesday night and I had just seated two men on the less than perfect table which offers a view of the scrape and bin area and the bar. So that’s either a view of waiters picking food off plates or waiters scratching their asses at the bar. Nice, but then again if we [...]

Waiters are a superstitious lot, myself included. Why just the other evening I had a table of fourteen reserved that showed up one chum short. Obviously I wasn’t going to tempt the fates by removing one cover and having the table set for thirteen. Now normally I wouldn’t pay any attention to such tomfoolery and [...]

Oh what a weekend. Crikey mummy I’m still busted, bushwhacked, beat, dead, exhausted, done in, tired. If I had to go through a weekend like that again I’d kill myself. Too much? Overly dramatic? It is, isn’t it? See I think so to, but it seems the restaurant dining public doesn’t agree. Oh no, the [...]