Blog
**KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN**
Sunday, and the boss is giving me grief for not having given the little darlings colouring-in stuff, crayons and what have you. "It's the only way to stop the little sticky fingered bastards smashing the place up eh...", suggested the boss as he fingered the Crayola with the distant stare of a Vietnam Vet. Personally [...]
I’M NOT YER DA!
In the course of my day-to-day work I am required to contact future punters to check that the reservation they made a day a week or a month previous is still a thing they want to do and wasn't just booked on a whim. Customers make reservations mostly in good faith but are inevitably let [...]
Upselling! You suck at it!
A reliable source, Deepthroat (LOL), contacted me late this afternoon with a tale so tremendous, so utterly magnificent I was sure it was made up. But Deepthroat (LOL) assures me the information is both accurate and reliable as he was there himself to witness and overhear the incident itself. With this in mind I offer [...]
Come Here ‘Til I Shout at You…
Look at you. Sitting there like butter and other delicious dairy products wouldn't melt in yer pie hole. Eh, proud of yerself are ya? Yes it's you I'm talking to. Sitting there all smug and happy with yer face and hair and arms and all that palaver. Think yer the big fella/lassie [delete as appropriate] [...]
I am a bastard and no mistake…
Oh hey, didn't see you there. *Lifts chair, sits on it back to front like a cowboy* Actually that's nonsense, I really can't pull of the cowboy look...think of it more like a school councillor who is trying to get down with the kids. *Lifts chair, sits on it back to front like a school [...]
Choobs n Wabs!
It's the goal of every restaurant, every business, to turn new customers into regular customers. It's not my fucking goal. Fuck that shit. It's especially not my goal when the new punters are a pair of absolute rockets. They define the phrase "head melters". I am a terrible judge of character and when they first [...]
Mr Grey…
The man didn't react, well not how you'd expect someone to react when given such news. He wasn't impassive either. He heard, he understood, he looked...he looked weary...as if he knew it was going to happen, it always happens...to him. He was a tall man, probably taller than his hunched demeanor allowed for. He was [...]
PWND, by a child…
Sunday and the restaurant was coming down with little people and their supposed care givers. There were sticky hands, grubby faces, tears, squealing and upset from the velvet curtains to the much sought after window tables and beyond. There were also a lot of children too. Seriously, I will stamp my foot an huff if [...]
International Assholism…
So I had this table last evening of, wait for it, fish experts. Can you imagine? Fish. Experts. Brilliant! They have everything these days. What a time to be alive! When I was a lad Captain Birdseye was the only fish expert I knew of. Imagine running into your parents bedroom and jumping on the [...]
DUMB!
** Walks into room, slumps on bed, hand falls feyly over face, lets out long guttural sigh that seems to come from a place not of this world** Or something like that. You know me, I'm not prone to drama or hyperbolic reactions or statements but... ...but this evening, this very evening on the 19th [...]
Inappropriate Waiter is eh accidentally inappropriate…
Ah St. Valentine's night and the restaurant was stuffed to the gills with lovers - both young and old and it has to be said attractive and downright gargoylian. It was like some of them met in a very dark room and were too polite to say anything and have been trapped in quite serious [...]
Man Wants Cheeseburger, Apparently
Fuck my cheeseburger? No dude, I don't do that. This is why it is incumbent on all waiting and food service staff to get the order right every time. There is just so much delicious stupid out there.
Top Ten Waiter Fibs (Including some, not all mind, told by me)
Jay Rayner's restaurant review from last Sunday's Observer newspaper got me thinking. Mainly it had me thinking about how bloody happy I was that I wasn't one of the wait staff that got tore a new asshole by the man mountain that is Mr Rayner. I swear to your god if he walked in on [...]
No but really, neigh more.
Imagine, if you will, what it was like for bar staff in the eighties working during the funny-that-one-time, 'Here Lawrence, give us a pint of Harp and a packet of dates' campaign. Those were tough times I can tell you. Every half cut fucker thought he was the first to crack the "joke" every time [...]
STOP IT!
Ah another weekend done. Another weekend closer to the great big waiter station in the sky. Obviously I am referring to death not air stewarding. I don't mean to be so glum but the attitude of some folks has me bereft of hope for the human race. So much so in fact that contemplating the [...]
There is a limit to my generosity…
Tuesday night and I was sashaying round the restaurant like I owned the place. It was all "Heeeeey, how you doin?" with showbiz finger points and all that jazz. To be fair there was no real need for any of this exuberance, it was a Tuesday night at the arse end of January...in Belfast. Vegas, this [...]
