Come Here ‘Til I Shout at You…
Look at you.
Sitting there like butter and other delicious dairy products wouldn't melt in yer pie hole.
Eh, proud of yerself are ya?
Yes it's you I'm talking to.
Sitting there all smug and happy with yer face and hair and arms and all that palaver.
Think yer the big fella/lassie [delete as appropriate] don't ya?
Just because you're the customer you think yer right all the live long day, don't ya?
Hmmm? You like that don't you, being the customer and being right?
I'm here to tell you that yer not right, yer most often wrong and if it wasn't for people like me you'd spend your life smashing yer fists into bowls of spaghetti and wondering why you can't get it in yer horse hole.
I know what yer thinking, 'Oh he's off on one again, who put the red sauce on the lamb?'
It's called ketchup you mouth breathing, arm gnawing, finger sniffing, crotch rubbing then sniffing troglodytes and it wasn't lamb it was sole, precious delicate sole.
Did you know that being a fisherchap is one of the most dangerous professions in the world? Actually it is the most dangerous profession in the world. More dangerous than being a logger or a pilot or a roofer or a farmer or the dude that reads lines with Adam Sandler. I mean there's a gig that's got to involve a high level of suicide brought on by mind numbing boredom and face spit.
Trawlermen scour or ahem trawl the world's oceans and seas and whatever to find you the loveliest fish. They brave angry waters and the sort of weather conditions that would have you weeping with utter fear. Not me, I'm hard like that. They die, regularly - 115 deaths per 100,000 fishermen to be precise for your fish suppers.
So you know, wee touch of respect wouldn't go a miss eh. If you take something beautiful and cover it in mass-produced red sludge then yer a dickhole, seriously. It happens all the bloody time and it irks me. The worst bit? People who ask for some condiment or sauce or other and then proceed to slather their fish or lamb or whatever in it like they had to or their children would be ground up for lulz by a Dickensian mill owner without even tasting it.
WITHOUT EVEN TASTING IT!
COME ON PEOPLE WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS!
Look, I get it...I really do. You're the punter, you pay the wages yada yada yada and if you wanna cover your lovingly prepared dinner that you are paying a premium for with a combination of chefs ass sweat and corner mouth gloop then I as your waiter will obviously try to facilitate that for you. But seriously, beautiful pink duck breast drowning in odious "brown" sauce like a sea-bird trapped in BP oil in the Gulf of Mexico? That's NOT cool!
You exhaust me with your needs and stupidity and faces and bags that for reasons only clear to you must sit in the middle of the floor in the trippy/fally zone.
But freedom of choice is a thing now what with the UN and Shami Chakrabarti and Bono and such . One has to live with the democratic choices made with free will by you, the punter. Although I am starting to see why the lolalists reject democracy.
But what blunts my blade more than the inappropriateness of the brown sauce-duck inclusion is the flippancy of the average customer towards food waste.
"Nah, don't care mate...make me the chicken instead....just bin that one", said the frightfully brutish young man with the monobrow and heavy head of a more Jurassic aged humanoid.
He didn't fancy the duck. It wasn't what he expected it to be. The duck. He didn't expect the duck to be, you know, so fucking duck like. He's fucking quackers. And so rather than try and broaden his culinary horizons and such he insisted I bin the duck and get him a chicken. I did just that and charged him for both. He assumed, laughably, that I would give him the chicken for free. Fuck that matey. The duck was good, you're just a douche.
Extreme example I know but it happens all the time from the people who order too much food despite being told they've done so to people ordering food just because it's part of a deal not because they want it or need it.
What is it? Greed? Entitlement? What? Why order food you don't want? Why would you do that? It makes no sense. It's the work of someone with more than a dim mind.
Why don't you just have the chefs serve smaller portions I hear you mumble with yer top lip all pouty and that.
Why? Because you lot would have conniptions, and I don't even know what conniption are but it sounds like the sort of thing you lot would have or do in a hissy fit, if you weren't served a small mountain of food every time you go out to eat.
Like I say, you exhaust me.
Please stop it. Respect food. Order what you want but think about what you need. Taste the food before you season it and/or bukkake it in the red splooge of the Heinz family eh. Can't finish it? Get it wrapped to take home. We, as a society and by we I mean you, throw away enough food to fill Wembley stadium filled with 70,000 Stevie Nolans everyday or something. I dunno, I might have made that up but whatever, it's a lot. Food, like waiters and the chums of waiters, is precious and not to be wasted or taken lightly. One day this will be the norm, seriously... "
Come on people, I can't be the last right thinking person left on earth...that's too much pressure for me when I'd rather be making paper aeroplanes and eating nougat.