DIRTY DIRTY PEOPLE
One thing that really, and I mean really-really, annoys me is having to pick up customers used toothpicks.
IT'S BEEN IN YOUR MOUTH GOD DAMN IT AND YOU'VE LEFT IT STREWN ON THE TABLE BETWEEN THE GLASSES AND USED NAPKINS FOR ME WITH MY PRECIOUS FINGERS TO PICK UP.
YOU DIRTY DIRTY BASTARD.
Like I say it annoys me, every single time.
The only thing that has me reaching for the much under utilised stabbing fork with the same venom and anger is chewing gum. I can get more than a touch irate when I am clearing plates only to find a chewed piece of gum stuck to the side of a plate or in a glass. There was one of those the other day, stuck inside a cup it was...teeth marks and everything.
What is wrong with people? Why can't they wrap it up in a napkin and bin it or spit it down the toilet. Why must they leave it like a hidden prize for me to stick my tender little digits into?
Cunts and no mistake.
That said a charmless table of two just the other evening had they own unique way of disposing of their unwanted and most likely tasteless gum that was just as filthy and upsetting as leaving it on the side of a plate.
"And the soup for you madam...", says I as I set down the ridiculously full bowl of soup. Chefs overfill bowls so that so spill it and burn your hands and have to come back to them for more. I'm not paranoid you know.
Now as I turned to set down the gentleman's first course yer one, his lady friend, lets out, what can only be described as a gulder,
"Here I dun't want dis..."
Now obviously I thought she was talking about our wonderful soup but no, I was wrong. I could not have been more wrong.
She stuck two tanned fingers in to her mouth, pulled out a nugget of chewing gum, reached across the table the gum eventually finding its way into the hand of her chap before settling in its final resting place...in his mouth.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I did a sick in my mouth.
Again I ask, and not rhetorically either, WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?
I need a lie down.
Have a good weekend. I'll see you on Tuesday kids...