No but really, neigh more.

Imagine, if you will, what it was like for bar staff in the eighties working during the funny-that-one-time, 'Here Lawrence, give us a pint of Harp and a packet of dates' campaign.

Those were tough times I can tell you. Every half cut fucker thought he was the first to crack the "joke" every time they ordered a pint. It became so annoying that in the end we just cut the Harp lines and told the punters we didn't have any. It was either that or we'd shoot, on sight, any fucker even contemplating a smirk when ordering a pint of that golden pishy liquid.

With this in mind I feel I must draw you, the dining publics, attention to the current situation in danger of reducing wait staff to steaming piles of anger and frustration - that's right the horse meat scandal currently engulfing supermarkets, meat suppliers, prisons and manufacturers of shit based frozen meat produce. As chum David said, "Did anyone reckon there was Kobe beef in Findus products?" Well said Dave, first funny from you in near 40 years.

Anyhoo, it's now found its way on to the restaurant floor...my restaurant floor. Not horse meat I should add but rather the utterly awful jokes.

"I'll have the steak...", began one arm gnawing mook

"...heh heh heh heh.." he was laughing so much he couldn't get the words out, which was sort of disgusting as there was dirty mouth gloop forming in the corners of his mouth and on his lips. It was almost like he'd been sucking off a Tunnock's Snowball. Ghastly stuff. This upset me.

"I'll have the steak...heh heh heh heh..as long as it's not...heh heh ha ha ha...Red Rum"

All that build up for so little boom. Oh my.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCKIN HAHAHAHAHA HORSE MEAT BEEF RED RUM HAHAHAHAHA FROTH FROTH FROTH GLOOP FROTH.

He, of course, thought it was the funniest line ever which was tragic but what made it even worse was the fact that his rag-tag collection of Findus munching chums, probably, thought it was genius too and to a man they pretty much cracked the same joke as they ordered steak after steak after steak. To be fair I did feel a pang of embarrassment for the last chap to order as by the time his turn came all the good horse names had gone and he was left with, wait for it, My Little Pony. Magnificent scenes.

Jesus Christ on a fucking pony are you kidding me? And Ireland has a reputation for wits? Pfft.

Listen all I'm saying is lets nip this in the bud right now before it becomes a thing. Or at the very least come up with some good based horse/beef related punnery and jokes. I swear to God I've had enough already and very soon I will start kicking back. There'll be no more fake laughing and no more nodding along, there will instead be sarcasm, silence and shaming. You will cry and I will laugh.

Think on.

Neigh more.

Heh.