I had a fun fun fun table of eight land in on me about an hour before closing. They received my usual “me angry waiter, you stupid customer” caveman type greeting that I reserve for tables of 8 that arrive within an hour of closing without a reservation. I followed it up with sarcasm, mild [...]

Quote of the weekend, “I thought you people were meant to be jolly and happy?” You people? You mean waiters? “No, fat people” I had been joking with a table of 4 but still that was a bit harsh. I laughed it off at first but by the time they left it was all I [...]

I had a genuine first at work on Thursday night, never happened before, and I pray to all that is good that it doesn’t happen again. It almost had me boaking my lunch….. (boaking by the way is a charming Norther Irish word for being sick) There was a young man eating on his own. [...]

fish face? Automated ordering systems now used in most restaurants for sending the order to the kitchen, bar, etc are great. They make life easier, quicker, and mean less contact with the cooker jockeys in the kitchen which is clearly a good thing for us waiters. They really do make life better for both the [...]

Picture the scene…(but don’t try too hard) Mens Room, Sunday afternoon at about 3pm. A handsome yet stout waiter meanders in to check and take advantage of the facilities. There is one other chap in there, numbers ones in the stall, with the door open. Classy. Hehehehe Small willy I assume you taking the piss [...]

The only thing stranger than 6 tables of 2 not showing up on the same night is all my tables showing up as expected, which they did tonight. In they marched on queue, smartly turned out, said please and thank you, ordered well, tipped better and left without having to be lifted by the scruff [...]

It wasn’t just the bed wetters who were out in force at the weekend, the God Botherers were spreading the word, good or otherwise as well. There must be a major recruitment drive on or something. Or maybe they know something that we don’t know. Crikey! Doubt it though. Actually they probably know less than [...]

I made the short list! Check me out! Nominated for 5, shortlisted in one. Fair enough. Now I know how Scorcese felt. As a way of thanking those who nominated me for an Irish Blog Award I’m offering ten more free badge sets for the first ten to ask for them. Just email me with [...]

…we come in all sizes, shapes and colours. the goldfish did you want the lamb? did you want the lamb? did you want the lamb? The Denier – I’m not a waiter I’m a [insert anything else] and they let you know at least two or three times during your meal. The Captured Soldier – [...]