Little Miss Manuel advised me of my right to shut it until the danger had passed or, and this was her preferred option, he was dead in the ditch.

But the thought of 8000 cows mooching around a massive green field wouldn't leave me alone. Imagine how magnificent a field of thousands of cows would be - slowly lumbering about chewing their cud and being all nonchalant and cool about life. Cows are ace and I'll beat anybody who says otherwise with my black leather belt, buckle first. Ignoring the normally sweet Little Miss Manuel's swearing and threats of violence (seriously it was a mistake to watch Kill Bill again the night before) I drifted off to sleep with thoughts of running through grassy meadows as cows with hats on wink at me whilst eating dandelions and grass. It was lovely.

Obviously I woke up a bit later with drool oozing from my mouth and down the window.

"LOOK AT YOU NOW YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE? WHO'S THE BIG FELLA NOW EH?"

I nearly poo'd myself. The Little Miss takes great care of her car and drool on the window is a definite no-no. I was sure her sweary shouty volley was for me but as I dabbed at the window with my shirt sleeve, my heart racing, I could see she was looking past me through the window to the chump in the BMW. He was too busy handing his details to Mr Policeman on the side of the road to notice the tirade of foul mouthed abuse coming his way. He was safer with the cops to be honest.

Minutes later The Little Miss dropped me off home with a gentle kiss and a sweetness that made a mockery of the Mad Max character from a few minutes earlier. Tired from all that sitting I decided to treat myself to an afternoon nap. I'm that old now you see. Before I did though I checked my emails and what have you and then decided to look a bit more into the story of the 8000 cow dairy.

Really wish I hadn't as it put me right off my afternoon nap.

Bloody Mr Farmer man doesn't want a massive field where cows can wander and lumber and chew their cud to their hearts content that I can dream about. Oh no, Mr Farmer man wants something far more scientific and hideous altogether.

A factory farm housing more than 8,000 'battery cows' will be built in the English countryside.

Under the controversial plans, Britain's largest ever dairy herd will be kept in industrial-scale sheds with little access to pasture or sunshine.

The cows will be milked around the clock to produce 430,000 pints each day - while their slurry will be recycled to generate power for the national grid.

The complex is the first 'supersize' cattle factory planned for Britain and follows growing concerns about the spread of 'zero-grazing' farming.

Justin Kerswell, of animal rights group Viva, said: 'This is factory farming - and it blows out of the water the pastoral image the dairy industry likes to portray.'

The £40million farm will be built near Nocton, Lincolnshire, later this year. It will have eight hangars for 8,100 cattle and two 24-hour milking parlours.

The animals, fed on fodder, will spend most of their days inside where they will stand and sleep on sand rather than pasture.

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The dirty bastard justifies his battery farm for cows by saying,

"Campaigners think cows should be like in the Anchor butter advert, with 50 to 100 cows dancing in a field,' he said. 'It is a lovely idea, but not the reality."

Oh is not? And why is that then Mr Scientist cum Farmer cum Evil Cow Botherer? Hmm maybe it's because you are a greedy milk snatcher, like Maggie milk snatcher Thatcher. Grrr... I couldn't get to sleep for ages after reading that.

Little Miss Manuel came round a while later and I gave off stink to her for ages about the greed of agri-business and how it's not on and not fair and about how cows should be left alone to act nonchalant and chew dandelions. She then gave me a peck on the cheek and told me I need to calm down and not get so angry about things.

Ha, the cheek, it was all I could do to eat my cheeseburger for tea that evening without kicking off again.