Well Done Fillet

Hungry Hungry Hippos…

I love getting ready to go out for dinner. I shower and I dress. I preen and I prune, mainly nasal hairs. And, if I am being honest, I normally get changed again or put a sweater on. It's odd how quick shirts seems to shrink in my wardrobe. Before I leave I check for [...]

Symmetry, it’s a waiter thing…

It was just after lunch service on Friday and I was clearing the tables recently vacated by two groups of tourists, 13 French pensioners and 11 young Chinese who insisted on having two courses even though they had to be back on their bus in 40 minutes. But we did it, because we are that [...]

What makes you, the Well Done Fillet reader, sad and want to hurt things when you are out for something to eat?

When asked by Olive Magazine what their most common restaurant gripe was, readers responded by a whopping 35.8%, saying that inattentive service ruined their special night out the most. Whatever chump. [doing the head/finger shake] It's always the waiter's fault eh. I mean it wasn't the fish that tasted like the remains of road kill [...]

Facebook post costs waitress her job…oh dear.

Here's a shitty little story to warm the cockles of your heart. Well warm the cockles of your heart if you are a raging scumbucket with no actual heart having replaced it with the cold shiny metal of a cash tin. It's also a salutary story about the potential outcome of status updates on the [...]

Dionysus needs spoons…

Three day weekends eh. Good times, for most. For waiters and chums of waiters it's just an extra day at the coal face with giddy people being extra giddy about not having to go to work on a Monday. Not that I am bitter, much. My waiter chums were lambasting me for my miserable bank [...]

How very fucking dare they!

If this story from The Times is true then I hope that all the Morgan's meals out end up with them scraping food from their laps and wearing the soup. This is as hideous as it gets... British family ‘asked not to be served by hotel’s black waiters’ A family of British holidaymakers were accused [...]

“Why god? Why me?” A Cousin Story…

I like working where I do. It, in many respects, is my bolt hole, my escape tunnel, my oasis away from the daily downward spiral of backwards evolution that comes with living with The Cousin. For anything up to 12 hours a day I get to talk to or ignore if I want the people [...]

Why Guinness, why?

So those knuckleheads at Diageo have decided to inflict another Guinness infected product on us. Not put off with the utter steaming, but yet cold, pile of cat's piss that was Breo or as they laughingly marketed it, "White Guinness" nor with that other exercise in flavour removal, Guinness Extra Super Duper Cold Ice Flow [...]

St Patrick’s Day…

If you came here to read an amusing yarn about all the wacky characters I encountered on Wednesday and all their shenanigans, malarky, high jinks and general merriment well then I have to disappoint you. You're getting nothing from me today. Bad mood gave way to even badder mood and then I went work. That [...]

Reader, I nearly died…

this post contains uncensored partial waiter nudity Waiting tables isn't regarded as one of the most dangerous jobs in the world especially when you compare it against the far more life threatening industries such as deep sea fishing or being in an army or being a one time mildly successful child actor. Oh Corey Haim [...]